depression, shaking off that black cloud

hmmm. i wish it were as easy as shaking off something. it's not.

this is a very long post, sorry about that guys, but it's an important one too, there is a call for help at the end and it would be great if you could heed it.

those long time readers and those who know me in my personal life know that i have chronic clinical depression. i'm okay right now. i'm medicated and i have spent lots of time in therapy learning coping mechanisms and dealing with issues. i'm not in therapy right now, but i don't for a second think that i'm 'done'. i know i will be back there at some point, and although therapy can be kind of scary, it is also very rewarding, and in some ways i look forward to when it is time for me to return.

depression is something that surrounds me in my friends and family. i have a theory that depressed people seek out other depressed people to be around. i don't mean on any kind of concious level, but for instance, john and i, who have been together almost 11 years, are both depressed. when we got together neither of us were diagnosed. the flip side of this theory is that maybe there is a certain personailty type that is more prone to depression and these personality types tend to flock together. in which case it would appear to be geeks (computer, sci fi, stuff like that) and artsy people, bonus points if you're a geek AND an artist of some description. okay, i might be making up the geek part, it's just that john and i are both geeks...

anyway, this time of year depression is all around. those who have been living with mild depression for ages and just kind of coping and getting by (gee, that sounds like a fun life) suddenly feel despair. the bloody cloud is getting darker and bigger. it blocks all the light out of their life.

also, since there have been so many changes, so many uncertainties, so many nights of not enough sleep, i start to worry that i am depressed again (it's why my mum and i call 'breakthrough depression', when you get depressed even though you're on your meds). in an unfortunate twist of fate, one of the side effects of feeling like this is that i become much less diligent about taking my meds (i.e. i forget, all the time, and when i remember it seems like a pain in the ass to walk all the way to the bathroom (for those who have not been to my house, it is a bungalow, the bathroom is not far away from any part of the house - oh, except maybe the basement since there are no stairs right now, but i wouldn't be in there, 'cause, well, there are no stairs right now...)

so, depression is on my mind right now.

i also know some people who are struggling with it right now, dealing with a relapse, dealing with going to a doctor about it for the first time, dealing with trying to figure out if what they're going through is depression, it runs the gambit.

this is me talking out my ass, but i believe depression is a disease that is characterized by certain symptoms, which can be addressed *in part* through medication. there is not a ton of point of taking meds and not going to therapy because then you're only addressing one part of the equation. i remember reading an interesting theory that the chemical imbalance in the brain that the meds address is not a cause of depression, but rather is caused by depression. i have no idea, but it is an interesting theory. anyway, in the same way that taking meds without therapy isn't addressing the whole issue, going to therapy before taking the meds can prove to be counterproductive. when i had my first breakdown, when i was first diagnosed, my doctor said to me that she wanted me to start seeing a therapist (she pointed out that she wanted me to see a smart no-bullshit therapist because i had spent some time convincing therapists i was just fine, she said she needed someone smart enough to see through me, she was totally right) but she didn't want me seeing a therapist for at least a month and a half. that's how long it would take for the drugs to get into my system and for me to start experience the world in some kind of 'normal' way. she said otherwise i would just sabotage myself because when you're depressed even if you don't admit it outloud you tend to think that you're not worth helping, that you don't deserve to be better, that things can never change so why even bother trying. so, it is my belief (and my doctor's) that you have to get rid of that particular set of symptoms before the therapy can be of any use.

so, back to these people i was talking about earlier, people i'm encountering who are facing depression right now... a few of those people are uncomfortable with the idea of taking medication for their symptoms. one thinks it is weak, that she should be able to just snap out of it (this unfortunately is a view that is often held by society too, and the feeling is compounded when you're depressed because everything seems to be your own fault and of course you are only depressed because you're weak and you should be able to just beat it without meds and therefore taking meds is really embarassing and demoralizing...). the other is concerned about side effects and is uncomfortable with the idea of taking drugs that will affect his brain.

i have no answer for these people. it kind of breaks my heart to hear the reluctance to the meds because it is something that can bring hope and life back into people, something that can let people get to a place to deal with other underlying causes. it makes me sad that this is not going to happen for them and that they feel they have to suffer through this, take the long arduous road up the steep hill instead of taking the stairs, neither of which are easy, both of which may eventually get you to the top (but that path can be muddy and slippery and sometimes people don't make it to the top), but one that is easier than the other. i use the age old analogy "if you had type 1 diabetes would you feel like it was wimpy to inject yourself with insulin, that your sick and you should suffer the consequences of that?" i remember my mum using that with me when i was first diagnosed. i've used it many times since. it's old, it's cliche, but it's also true.

i remember a friend once asking me what was the difference between an alcoholic and a person on anti-depressants. (he was of the belief that drinking or smoking up were no different than taking anti-depressants, it was an interesting evening...) i told him the difference was, people drink or even smoke up, to be released from the real world for a bit. people drink to escape. people take anti-depressents to re-enter the real world. people take anti-depressants to get back to a 'normal' state, not to alter the 'normal' state. i do to an extent understand his question, they're both things that have some effect on brain function, but to me they are so very very different it's quite unbelievable that someone would ask that question out loud (to a friend who they know is on anti-depressants).

my experience with medication has not been all positive, but it's been all worth it. right now for instance i don't have a health plan and anti-depressants are bloody expensive. also, when i started i started on paxil when i was 18. i gained 40lbs when on paxil (side effects can include weight loss or weight gain) and never lost i. i went off paxil because this was before the diagnosis of chronic. then after a relapse i went back on paxil, gained another 40lbs like clockwork, also didn't lose that. (yep, i'm a fat chick *grin*). so, i gained 80lbs thanks to my anti-depressants (this is probably complicated the fact that i am hypo-thyroid, so don't panic, if you go on anti-depressants you're not going to gain 80lbs). and, well, that sucks, it's hard to buy clothes, i walk slower than others, i feel self-concious at the gym, all that kind of stuff. but you know, i would also WAY prefer to be fat than depressed. the other interesting thing is that fat is a way bigger deal when you're depressed, before i gained all that weight i used to think i was a whale, i was way less comfortable and happy with myself than i am now. but i was also depressed. so i couldn't see that actually i was pretty cute with a pretty fun bod, i was by no means skinny, but i was also not a whale. my perspective was so out of whack when i was depressed.

anyway, other than the weight gain (which, like i said, was totally worth it) i haven't had any noticable side effects. my mum had some sleeping pattern issues when she started, but she just figured out when to take her meds when that started. john has a fun side effect of increased sweating. which really is okay because it makes him fit in better with me and my family of people who sweat massive amounts. and again, better to be sweaty than depressed. i don't know anyone who has had adverse reactions from anti-depressants, or rather, not adverse enough to outweight their benefits. there was a lot of stuff a little while ago about some specific kind leading to suicide in teens. i don't remember much about it, but i do remember when i dug a bit deeper the risk was sooooo minimal it probably wouldn't normally be mentioned. it's the whole more likely to die from crossing the street, taking a bath, cooking dinner, that kind of thing.

actually, there is some evidence that some people attempt suicide after starting their meds, generally within the first couple of weeks. my mum and i have a theory about that, and we did talk to a psychologist who agreed with us and said that it was what was happening, although i haven't seen any published literature about it. sometimes when you are depressed you are completely apathetic. you have no motivation. you have no will to do anything. you may wish you were dead. you may tell yourself the world would be a better place without you. you may think that things would have been so much better if you'd just never been born (that was my common thought when i was depressed, i think of it as my little cowardly suicidal thoughts, you know, i shouldn't be here, but i don't want to take any responsibility for that...). but as much as you may think or wish these things, the idea of getting your shit together enough to act on any of it, well, it's beyond you. but once you start taking your meds, in that period where they're starting to work but they haven't pulled you out yet, you get some of that motivation back. you pull yourself together enough to buy those pills or plan whatever other way you are going to do it. in fact, the attempted suicide is in a warped kind of way a good sign. it means you have the ability to act for yourself again, you care about something again.

anyway, i know loads of people who have gone on various different types of anti-depressants and not one of them has ended up trying to kill themselves or having any dastardly side effects. all of them have benefited, have been able to learn to enjoy life again, have been able to allow themselves to be sucessful at what they're doing.

so, with the proliferation of depression that's out there right now, keeping all this in mind, would you tell me your story? remember you can post annonamously even if you are a regular poster here, i just want to hear about what has happened to you, to your friends, to those you know.

you can be pro or con on the meds thing, i'm just trying to get lots of stories, not trying to limit what kind of story. when i was depressed one of the hardest parts about it was feeling like i was all alone in this whole thing and that no one could possibly understand what i was going through. so, tell your story, tell your sister's story, tell your neighbour's story, but tell a story, show people they're not alone. show people what you've seen work and what you've seen not work.

thanks for stickin' through and reading this whole bloody thing guys. it means a lot to me. apparently i just spent an hour writing about this, so that means it will be stupidly long and a bit of a slog to get through. so i double thank you for reading it.

now, tell us your story...

vagina squirrels

this made me laugh my ass off





***UPDATE***
yay! i found a credited version here! at first i couldn't find one, but you know, research is a wonderful thing...

piano penis

okay, so you've probably seen this before, i know i have, but man, it's just sooo great. you have to watch it more than once, since the first time you're (well, i was anyway) just astounded by the size of his penis, but then, watch it a second time and watch his face. the man is a performer. no doubt about it. oh, and i know i've seen a higher res version of this, which is actually better since you can better see the expressions on his face, but i don't feel like searching around the interweb for it. ;)

oh, and for those on dial up (like, say, my mum) it really is worth waiting for it to download.

calvin and hobbes can make me cry

okay, so this was posted over at questionabletaktix.

god i love calvin and hobbes.

god i feel a bit lame that i cried over a comic.

it's finally over people!

so, last night i slept at cameron's, bed bug free!

and oh god was it good to see cameron, i've been missing him like mad. we stayed up way too late talking but it was well worth it. i've missed him so much.

since cameron doesn't get home until late i spent the evening with dickey, much fun. for some reason one of my favourite moments was when normlr called and i said something in the background and dickey said "no no, she's a friend friend". apparently normlr asked dickey if he had a 'lady friend' over. i have no idea why, but that makes me giggle.

oh, and i made us dinner, a sort of chicken satay with basmati and broccoli sort of steamed (well, really lightly boiled really) in a garlicy limey mixture. it was tasty.

all in all, i had a fabulous night hanging out with a really fun new friend and a wonderful old friend.

***UPDATE*** (2:40pm)

okay, i spoke to soon. i have some bed bug bites. *sigh* that sucks. you know why it sucks the most? because it means until he moves i don't get to live with cameron. and i love cameron. a lot. and i love living with him. a lot.

soooooooooo tired...

okay, i'm so tired right now i feel like i'm going to collapse.

i'm so tired i went and got coffee. now that might not sound like a big deal, but i don't drink a lot of coffee, maybe once a week or so, so it's a sign of something if i actually seek out coffee...

i got back and someone was making popcorn in the microwave (which happens to be next to my office) and so now i'm tired and craving popcorn (though not hungry at all in the least).

i am not someone who functions well on less than 8 hours a night sleep. with commuting (and living at cameron's before that) i've been getting less than 8 hours sleep, because not only do you get up earlier, but you also tend to stay up later 'cause you have less time when you get home, so you want to actually still spend the same amount of time decompressing, but that means bed at midnight not 10...

ummm. yeah, not sure what the point of the entry was, never mind then...

ask and ye shall recieve...

so, remember a while ago i put out a list of people from my past that i wanted to reconnect with?

well, i ran into caroline today. she is a care provider for someone who works on my floor. i ran into her in the bathroom.

for some reason i wasn't surprised.

she was a little confused by my lack of surprise. she said it seemed like i was expecting to see her. i think in some ways i was. i put it out there that i wanted to see her again, that i wanted to connect with people from my past, and now i've run into her and michael.

the world's a funny place.

anyway, i am very happy to have run into caroline. i loved having her as a friend and i think it would be wonderful to have her as a friend again.

and again...

so, michael was on the bus again tonight. and again we pretended to not see each other. of course we also sat 3 seats apart so i could listen to him talking on his cell, and he could listen to me.

it was a bit surreal actually because it was michael's voice, but it was a very adult sounding conversation. i don't mean adult in that fun dirty way, i mean, adult in that grown up kind of way. michael and i stopped hanging out on a regular basis when we were around 19 or 20. in my memory he's still essencially a teenager. it's funny to listen to him as an adult.

also of course it got my mind reeling, wondering why he's commuting, has he moved back to guelph? if so, why? john usually has the scoop on him 'cause they talk and 'cause he hears from jme, but not this time, john knows no scoop.

anyway, i'm thinking of emailing him at some point and saying 'hey, michael, you know how we keep pretending not to see each other on the bus? kinda funny eh?' and basically just make sure that i explain to him that it's because that's my decompression time and it's not at all because i don't want to spend time with him. 'cause i do. i really really do. in fact, for the last couple years i keep thinking i need to make a more concerted effort to hang out with him 'cause when i see him at random music festivals or weddings or parties i am reminded of what a great guy he is. i mean, really, presumably he was one of my best friends for a reason, yeah, we've both changed, but there's probably some kind of a core being that still exists, right?

the gays are out to get us!

this article that is full of *eyeroll* moments was brought to my attention by kate.

the idea that kids care about the sexual orientation of the characters in their movies for some reason reminded me of sunday's episode of the simpsons (which ran with a parental guidance warning WTF?!?!?!) when someone 'accuses' some kid of being gay and he says indignantly "i'm not gay!" and then after a bit of a pause he says "i'm not anything yet".

is 14 a bad luck number?

so, on the bus ride home tonight i noticed a building that was mostly finished, there were doors at each floor leading to, well, to thin air since the stairs hadn't been built up to them yet. but the weird thing was that there were floor numbers on the doors already and there was no 13th or 14th floor.

now, i know about the no 13th floor (although i do think that it's funny that people are still superstitious enough to not want a 13th floor), but no 14th floor? what's that about?

feeling a bit guilty

okay, so today i did something on the bus that made me feel a bit guilty.

while i was walking to the bus i saw my friend (well, friend from a past life, probably more accurately an aquantance now) michael getting on the bus.

the bit i feel a little bit guilty about is that i hung back, waited for him to board the bus, then got on and pretended not to see him and found myself a seat alone.

now, the thing is, i actually really like michael a lot. he was one of my best friends in high school (yes kate and paddy, "mikey" michael) and for various and sundry reasons we grew apart, but i still really enjoy his company when i see him. in fact, in the last couple years i have been thinking about how i'd like to have him back in my life, i'd like him to be a friend again instead of just an aquaintence. but today i avoided him.

to be fair, i'm pretty sure he saw me too and also pretended not to see me, although i can't be sure of that.

the thing is, i've come to really like the solitude of the bus. the hour and a half i have to myself to ruminate on the day and to nap and just mellow and not worry about being accountable to anyone else. i was loathed to give that up, so, well, i didn't.

but still, i ignored a person who i want to bring back into my life.

i don't know, it just seems a little weird.

Playing favourites

Okay, so, do you have a public bathroom that you use regularily, like, say, one at work?

I do.

Whenever I go into it I want to go into the same stall. I go into the second stall. It's the stall I went into my first day of work and it's the stall I've used every day since.

Until today. Someone was in *MY* stall! Twice! That's right, I had to use the stall next to it, I had to use a stall other than *my* stall. I'm telling you, my life is so bloody hard sometimes. ;)

So, here's my question, is this just another one of my weird little OCD behaviours that crop up from time to time, or is this a normal thing. Do you have a prefered stall (or urinal for guys I guess) or do you just go to one at random?

a quicky post

okay, somehow i managed to go the WHOLE weekend without posting anything. my oh my.

and now i'm at work so i can't really post. but here's a quicky post to tide you over...

Saturday in the car on the way home from the grocery store:

on the radio: news of an prison-break and escape of a couple of former advisors to jean-bertrand aristide. it then went on to explained that aistide escaped haiti in march 2004 amid violent protests and he is now living in exile in south africa.

megan: laughing, because, for some reason it struck her funny, although she would never be able to explain why

john: (in what he thought, but was sorely mistaken, was a good south african accent) yes, please, come to south africa. since the fall of apartheid our evil quotient has fallen significantly...

megan: now laughing even more. with much gusto. yay john.


additional note: when john mentioned that he thought it was done in a good south african accent i said "have you met peiter?" in that sarcastic kind of way, but he did me one better (since peiter is a friend of the family's and we haven't talked to him in a while), he said "or dave?". somehow in my mental picture of the south african people we know peiter came up even though we haven't seen him in probably two years almost, but dave, who is a friend of ours who we have seen recently, who's wedding we went to, who we drink beer with, dave didn't pop into my head. ah. the mind. so much fun.

calling all leader's corp folks (from the 'y')

okay, so i'm thinking of getting my 'little sister' into leaders corp.

i am trying to remember what we did so that i can talk to her mum about it. all i can remember is that we volunteered once a week, we sold flowers and christmas trees, and we went to conferences and met cute boys, er, i mean, learned leadership skills...

so, anyone out there who was a leader? (i realise kate might be the only one who can respond to this) if so, please reply with your memories of what the heck we did at leader's corp.

my messy office

so, i was pulling pics from my digital tonight and i found this pic which i thought i might share with you. this is a picture of my new office. this picture was taken i believe at the end of my first week there. as you can see, it doesn't take me long to make myself at home.

cute cat pictures

okay, this is actually for a cute cat contest (i don't care about the contest, apparently i just want to show off my kitties). these pics are from almost 5 years ago, the little wee one is still a bit smaller than the black one, but not much. i'll try and get a pic of them together for comparison purposes.



don't mind my arm in there, he had a tendancy of getting really relaxed and rolling over.



my god he was small...

for more cute cat pictures (and to vote for your favourite cute cat picture) got to this site (don't worry, there are only 27 pictures)

thanks to michelle for doing this because cute cat pictures are always a welcome addition to my life.

i missed degrassi!

damn! i missed degrassi. what happened?!? did cailtin leave joey or are they still together? where did manic depressive guy end up going without his meds? man oh man. i wish i had taped it. *sigh*

(and yes, apparently i am only 12 years old. that's right, a 12 year old senior policy analyst, doesn't that make me a prodogy of some kind? what do you mean you have to be biologically 12 to be a prodogy. i think being biologically 29 and being truely 12 is more impressive... oh never mind.)

do i care more about animals than people?

so, this morning on my way into work i saw a something that disturbed me greatly.

there was a homeless guy crossing the street with his dog. both of them were in bad shape. the dog was walking so slowly it was painful to watch. it was some kind of long hair breed and on it's back the hair had been shaved away to reveal some scabby welts.

it looked like the guy was not being particularily nice to the dog as he coaxed it across the street, but to be fair, i was in a bus, so i have no idea what was actually being said.

anyway, i found the plight of this poor sick dog heart breaking.

so this is where it got really disturbing for me... for some reason i cared way more about this poor sick and injured dog than i did the homeless guy coaxing it along. do i care more about animals than people? (yes, i know people are animals too, but you know what i mean).

here's the theory that i'm using to make myself feel better... i do care about the humans, in fact, i have been known to cry after walking past homeless people sleeping outside on a really really cold night, but... people have a choice. there are shelters, there are medical clinics, there are, i don't know, options. i mean, i'm not for a second saying 'if that bum would just get a job and be done with it', i know there are way more complexities than that, and i am not saying that it is the persons fault they are on the street, but there are options, there are choices. the dog, the dog doesn't really have any option or choice.

yep, that's what i'm telling myself so that i don't feel *as* horrible for caring more about the dog than the man.

the saga continues

okay. so i won't go on an on about this, i promise, but the bed bugs continue to bite me.

i am taking this as a sign that perhaps i should be commuting so that i can work on the house at night (to get ready to list it).

i'm gonna do a litmus test (using my body as the litmus strip) once a week to see if they've gone while my diligent roommate goes on full attack. in the meantime, living in toronto will have to wait.

ROTFLMAO

okay, this post by dantaillon about bell canada's automated operator chicky emily made me laugh out loud very loudly (and now i'm sure cameron's neighbours are wondering if they should be worried).

i know we all seem to be in the same blog circle and you've probably already read this, but if you haven't and you've had to call bell in the last year or two you owe it to yourself to read it.

nope, no valentine's day post

it's true, i didn't post on valentine's day. not for any big 'valentine's day is a corporate sell out crock of a day' kind of reasons. i have no problem with valentine's day. i kind of like the idea of a day to remind us to be thankful to the ones we love. just like mother's day and father's day. for me i don't limit my valentine's to lovers, valentine's for me is a day for loved ones.

as an aside which i only bring up 'cause it just popped into my head for the first time in 8 years or so... i remember one year getting my friend kathy a ridiculous number of condoms, like, 60 or something, in a very attractive tin she should leave at her bedside. it was a very well received gift, and it was funny to buy too...

but this valentine's day i fell short. the whole new job and settling in and commuting and living in toronto and and and, well, it's not leaving me with much time.

so, what did i do this valentine's day? well, i went took the bus back to guelph, went to the chiro, made myself dinner, took my 'little sister' out for coffee (decaf, 'cause i'm not insane...) came home and collapsed in bed.

and that my friends is the story of why no valentine's day post from meg.

kung fu porno

no, this post isn't about that weird porn that is a take off of crouching tiger hidden dragon where they fight in the trees by having sex. nope. it's about Ong-Bak: The Thai Warrior.

tonight camille and i went to it. i should point out that it was martial arts, not kung fu exclusively, and there was no sex in the movie so it wasn't a porno in *that* way. but really, kung fu porno just sounds so damn good!

and why do i call it kung fu porno? because, really, it felt like a bad porn movie. they developed a very flimsy plot and hired mediocre actors all so it would be a vehicle for the gratuitous fucking fighting.

but man oh man, the fighting, the fighting was amazing! okay, i admit a bias here, i love 'kung fu' movies. LOVE them. but this was, oh my god, this guy is amazing. and as for the bad plot bits, well, they were kind of funny, the audience was into mocking the movie and laughing at the terribly cheesy bits so it was all good.

all in all a very fun experience.

about so much more than a strike

okay, so this post from One Child Left Behind is about so much more than a strike, but i was riveted not just because it's well written, but because there is a looming OPSEU strike that may be coming up in the Ontario Public Service and although i'm no longer a member of OPSEU there are a number of people who are dear to me who are.

they will be faced with the unenviable choice of striking or crossing the line. it's a tough call. it's one that everyone has to make for themselves. last time OPSEU struck i was in that union. i didn't cross. i even worked in the office and cooked and delivered food to the line. i did not strike because of a deep seeded belief of the union or what it was fighting for. i did it out of self-preservation. i was warned about how people who crossed were treated. i was new in the organization and wanted to move on through it, i did not want to make any enemies. still, i refused to walk the line. i could not deal with the venom that built to a frenzied pitch every day as people tried to go to and from work. the venom in the office was hard enough to deal with. in fact, the only reason i worked in the office was because i *needed* that $125 a week in strike pay so that i could buy groceries and pay a few of my many bills and only have to push off some of them.

friendships are shattered over a strike. i've seen it happen. even now, almost 4 years later, there are still huge divides between people who crossed and people who walked the line. i am so very thankful that i do not have to go through that again. personally i have no problem with people who cross, the people who cross have their reasons and i think those are just as valid as those who do not cross. it's not an opinion i share readily in my workplace though, because to some people that's as bad as if i had crossed the line during the strike. so much anger, so much hate. not a place i thrive, in fact, a place i wither.

so, to those on both side of the strike (which, who knows, may not even happen, wouldn't that be nice!) my heart goes out to you.

a post with nothing to do with bed bugs (except the title i guess)

so i rented a game from rogers tonight for our x-box. wanna know what game? huh? huh? do ya?

Leisure Suit Larry.

yep, you read that right. i am SO psyched. i loved the lounge lizard game when i was a teenager. probably because i felt naughty when i played it. so now i'm going to re-live my past.

although i was a little embarassed checking it out...

i promise to provide a report.

bed bug update

okay, i promise, someday i will stop blogging about this, but i am having some rather severe reaction to these and it's making things a little all consuming.

it is so bad that i am not at work today. the second week into a new job. you know it has to be bad for that to happen. i have a doctor's appointment at 3:45, i'm hoping she gives me some kind of magic miracle drug that makes the huge ugly agonizing welts go away. we'll see.

i'll update you in this post when i get back from the doctor (because i know you're all waiting with baited breath). Then, then i'll try and post something witty and clever and interesting after having some more booze (seems to be a reasonable way to stop noticing the welts).

**********UPDATE ON THE UPDATE**************

so, do you think it's a bad sign when you are explaining what's going on and what happened to your doctor and she just nods knowingly and then you lift up your pant let to show her the welts and she says "oh my god!" in a kind of emphatic surpised way? yeah. me too.

anyway, she told me to double up on anti-hitimines particularly the kind that make you drowsy 'cause they're better with itch and she gave me steroid cream to put on the welts. she also suggested vinegar and water cold compresses to deal with the itch. the steroid cream doesn't do anything for the itchyness, just makes the suckers heal.

and that my friends should be the last of my bed bug posts.

bed bugs - the information you were afraid to ask about

okay, so, this post will not actually deal with bed bugs, other than to say if you want to learn more go to this link, it seems to be some good info.

on my mother's advice i have taken the booze and bath approach to my bites (which are now big hives). so, i took a baking soda bath (which left my skin remarkebly soft feeling) and have had two ciders. i am now ready to go to bed and snooze away. zzzzzzzzzzzz.

john threw everything that came from toronto into a hot washer and vaccuumed out my backpack while i bathed. he also put on a clean sheet on the bed. seriously, how did i get so lucky to have not one, but TWO amazing men in my day to day life? i have to be the luckiest person in the world.

having said that, i think it's time for me to go to bed and see what the morning brings...

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeek

i am going crazy. seriously, i'm dyin' over here! the bed bugs were back with a vengence last night, and i am covered in big ugly red welts that are so itchy i'm ready to tear my skin off. and this is after cameron ('cause he's such a sweety) washed all the linens and dried them super hot, and vacuumed the matress. but the little suckers kept coming. and biting. and apparently i really really react to the bites, cameron got subtle little red marks, i get huge welts. so, needless to say i am going back to guelph tonight.

cameron talked to the super today and s/he (i don't know who the super is) said that there is a problem in the building with bed bugs and that someone will be in to spray later this week. my concern is that they will not spray the whole building and only spray the apartments of those who complained, which means there will still be bedbugs in the building... apparently there has been a bit of a bed bug outbreak in toronto in the last couple years, who knew.

anyway, wary of the super and how quickly they tend to get stuff done, cameron, the rockinest roommate around, is planning to do his own little home fumigation tonight. he's going to get spray on the way home and he's going to get all the baseboards and vacuum and stuff. turns out there are tons of websites that tell you what you need to do. which is good, because it probably wouldn't occur to me to empty the vacuum right away and get the bag out of the building immediately, but you're supposed to or else the little suckers just crawl back out.

i think i might just be a commuter this week, travel to and from guelph. we'll see. anyway i was thinking that by monday the apartment will hopefully be bug free and my body will have healed a little bit and i can throw myself back into it with all my heart. i'm going to suggest to cameron that he come to guelph for the weekend and stay at our place while the poison takes effect.

but yeah, bed bugs, well, they're gross. from now on, when i say 'night night, don't let the bed bugs bite' i'm gonna really really mean it. last night when i was drinking copious amounts of strongbow i didn't seem to notice the itching so much, so i might go that route. also my friend lisa suggested bathing in baking soda to take away the itch. i'm pretty much desperate enough to do anything at this point. aaaaaaaaaaaarrrggggggggggggg.

i do know intellectually that this is because of an infestation in the building and that it probably has been growing steadily for the last little while, but i have to say i feel pretty bad that i move into cameron's place and then there is suddenly an infestation of bed bugs. that's right, i carry plague with me. fun! be my friend! invite me over for a cuppa! what? oh that? no no, that's just the plague i carry with me, they won't be needing tea.

*sigh*

yay dickey!

so, i did my first social outing in toronto tonight. i went out for drinks with dickey. i met him at 5:45 and just got home now (11:40ish).

we had a wicked time. well, i had a wicked time, and i'm assuming that since he put up with me for 6 hours he had a decent time too. *grin*

anyway, i am happy to say that people like dickey make me happy to be making the move to the big smoke and i hope to spend lots more time with him.

btw, any available men or women reading this, dickey, he's hot and funny and smart and wonderful and you should snap him up in a second!

night all!


***UPDATE***

so, apparently dickey can't hold his liquor ;) see, last night when he dared me to have another pint i told him i could drink him under the table and he didn't believe me. oh ye of little faith...

however, even hungover he can post something more interesting than me, even though it's about a conversation i participated in.

the itchyness might kill me...

okay, i have some bizzarre thing going on right now. i have all sorts of little bites all over my body. well, not all over, but all over my legs and my arms. i don't know if they're bites but that's what they seem like, mosquito bites. they started yesterday after i'd been home for a bit, and this morning they're killing me. they're all over the place. so i don't know if they're actually bites, or if they're some kind of weird allergic reaction.

oh well, i guess the thing to do is wash and dry my sheets in hot hot water and vaccuum the stuff i've been sleeping on, because that might clear up whatever it might be, allergy or insect.

in the meantime i will spend every ounce of my being trying to not scratch all my skin off. la la la.

degrassi spoiler

eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeekkkkk!

okay, right after katlyn and kevin smith share a very delicious kiss which made me want to kiss kevin smith, she asks joey to marry her.

seriously.

asks joey to marry her!

so they're gonna finally get married after all. all that waiting from, um, 1992 or so. *grin*

don't you hate it when...

don't you hate it when you walk past someone and you're positive you know that you know them and you can't for the life of you remember where from, so you hope to god they won't notice you as you pass, and then they smile and nod at you and you think "oh fuck, i have no idea who this is" as you smile and nod back? but then, like a mini-miracle they keep walking! they didn't stop to talk! you don't have to make a total ass of yourself in front of someone who oh-so-obviously is not a complete stranger.

then you get further down the street, breathing a sigh of relief, and then you suddenly realise that, wait, you don't know that person. not one on one anyway. that is someone you know from television or movies. and now, now you're going crazy trying to remember where the hell you saw them. of course you can't remember...

i've narrowed it down to television i think. comedy for sure. canadian i think. not the jessica holmes show, not corner gas, not this hour, i dunno. he's a tall thin guy, does that help? ;)

yeah, wishing i could figure out where i know him from...

some fun posts from elsewhere

zambia has lots of creepy crawly things and they're written about at 360 degrees of sky.

the evils of nutella from petite anglaise

a funny little moment on stupid beautiful lies

and finally, a post celebrating romance at one child left behind (trust me, you should read it, seriously people, would i lead you astray into some painful romance post? it's a good romance post, i promise)

but even more annoying than danny finkelman...

cross country check up, or as my mum calls it "two hours of the stupidest people in canada calling to spout out on the radio". okay, i might be paraphrasing a bit there, but that's the idea.

the best part is that now that it's hosted by rex murphy it's two hours of stupid people being interjected with someone who goes out of his way to use language manages to obfuscate the meaning of what he is actually saying.

that's right, i used the word obfuscate on my blog! ha! take that plain language writing! muuhhhahaha (my best evil laugh). but i figure, i'm talking about rex murphy, i can get away with it.

revelation

okay, so, i'm now eating my delicious soup that was simmering while i wrote out the recipe for you folks (see the post below) and of course, i'm going blog while eating it.

while cooking tonight i was listening to finkleman's 45s, 'cause, well, i'm a glutton for punishment i guess. (i like the music, but danny drives me nutso) anyway, while listening i came to a bit of a revelation...

while danny was ranting about why there aren't traffic cops during rush hour i realised, danny basically has an audio blog. okay, not a blog specifically since it's not on the web, but really, his show is basically a once a week blog. the kind where you do nothing but complain about everything. so really, what i'm saying is danny is a man ahead of his time, since he's been doing this audio blog type thing for, well, as long as i can remember anyway.

see, the pearls of wisedom you get from this site are just amazing aren't they! *grin*

easy black bean soup recipe

okay, so for some reason i feel compeled to post this. for those who don't know, i'm a foodie. i like figuring out new ways to make things. well, tonight i hit jackpot on a blackbean soup recipe. i mean, it's not latino's blackbean soup, but it's still damn good.

i used V8 juice and a cube of fake beef stock (the vegetarian kind, though you could use the actual cow kind)as the base.

so, maybe i'll try and write this as an actual recipe, although i'm miserable with amounts so these are nothing more than guidelines, if you want more or less then go for it.

oh, and for those who don't read recipes often (i'm thinking of two of you in particular here...)you probably already know this, but just in case, the T is for tablespoon and the t is for teaspoon.

-4 (19 ounces) cans of black beans (drained and rinsed)
-4 cups V8 or vegetable cocktail stuff, or hell, tomato juice
-1 cube beef (or fake beef) stock
-4 T salsa
-1 onion minced
-2 cloves of garlic (minced or crushed or however you want to do it)
-juice of one lime (or just squeeze in some 'real lime', or hell, leave it out if you don't have any around)
-3 t ground cumin
-2 t oregano
-dash of worcheshire sauce
-ground pepper to taste.

so, sautee the onions and garlic in a bit of olive oil until they brown a bit, then add a bit of the V8 to slow the cooking and put in one of the cans of black beans and smoosh 'em with a potato masher (this will give a nice thick texture) and add the cumin and oregano. then put in the rest of the ingredients and just let it simmer for a bit.

seriously, it took me longer to write out this recipe than it did to cook. it sounds more complicated now that i have written it down, but i promise it's soooo easy.

damn, did i already write about motivation?

so, here i am, at home sitting around being really bored. john's at work so i'm all alone. (note to stalker, by all alone i mean, um, not alone... oh, who am kidding, i'd invite my stalker in for tea if i had one.)

la la la la la.

there is stuff i could do, like, clean up, do some cooking, have a bath, have a shower, do some laundry, call a friend, invite someone over (although that kind of involves the cleaning and having a shower bit first, which is *even more* work). but i can't seem to get my ass in gear and do anything. well, apparently except blog.

so, what are you doing this fine saturday evening (man i need a life)?

maybe i'll troll for cyber friends. ;)

making connections with long lost friends

so you ever have really strong desires to reconnect with people who used to be in your life but aren't anymore? i've been having a lot of that lately. i think it has something to do with wanting to recapture my youth.

i would love to find out what these people are doing with their lifes and i would love to have a conversation with them and find out what has being going on.

(and hey, in case any of them are reading this blog, it's me, megan mooney, you know, from lusaka, zambia, barbados, guelph, quebec)

they are:
- rhett titus (all i know about him right now thanks to google is that he's still playing hockey in ottawa...)

- lucy smith (yeah, good luck googling a name like that, oh, and her parents? john smith and jill smith - seriously people, i'm not making this up) lucy was my best friend in barbados. she was wicked. i loved hanging out with her and missed her desperately when i left. anyway, her dad was in the british navy and that's about as much i have to track her down with. so, i'm not holding my breath on that one...

- then from my guelph youth i'm kind of curious about whatever happened to neil ince (who i spent a rediculous amount of time with in grade 6), phil fisher, danny night (damn, i don't know if it's knight or night), jay schuler, sharla hare, eric hinch, toby sanmiya, lesley blackie, henry sansom, dave thompson, gigi stout

- caroline o'reilly (went to gcvi), man, she was bloody amazing. the woman just oozed talent. seriously, she was a fabulous musician, and a great writer, and, well, just all around amazing. lost touch with her when she went to university (trent i think). last i heard she was in toronto, and i'm guessing her and reg (from gentleman reg) are still dear friends, so maybe what i'll do is go to the next gentleman reg show in toronto and try and stalk her...

- daryll anderson, (went to john f. ross, as with many of my friends) an ex who was wonderful and sweet and caring, and who we never ended up even kissing, both of us too chickenshit to make the first move. (we were 16ish at the time)

- jake branch (went to ross), he went to ross and was kind of an on again off again boyfriend, we had some strange undeniable connection to eachother, but weren't particularily good for each other. i have no idea where he is now, although i believe he's a pilot

- liz weefer (went to ross), who is apparently in ottawa these days. man, i loved that woman, she was awesome. i don't know, she just kind of disappeared from my life.

- chris mott (went to central in burlington), another dear friend from high school and university, but who disappeared after university (into the wilds of toronto... *grin*)

- claude giroux (from west ferris in north bay), ahhhhh. claude. those who know me will likely roll their eyes at this point. claude was the first man i ever fell in love with, but it was silly 'cause he lived 5 hours away and we were in high school. i finally 'broke up' with him after a couple years when i met john and realised it was the real thing (and apparently i was right, since we're still together and still madly in love almost 11 years later). i always wonder what every happened to claude. hockey playing, macho bein', not at all what people expected me to fall in love with kinda guy. good ol' claude giroux from north bay. yeah, i'm dying to know what ever happened to him and the rest of his life.

- from university the only one that leaps out is oleh premak (don't know how to spell the name), although i'd love to hang out with barb patterson-ward again someday.

so there is my big list of people i want to find out about. you'll notice there are a lot more men than women on the list, in my youth i tended to hang out with men a lot more, i was mostly 'one of the guys' my whole life. and in truth, those women that i did hang out with who were dear to me, mostly we're still in touch in some way.

how does your MP vote?

you can find out where your MP stands on same-sex marriage by entering your postal code at http://www.equal-marriage.ca/election.php

it then links to contact information and stuff too so you can write a letter or email if you so choose to. it's worth checking out.

tip o' the hat to my fabulous and sexy roommate cameron.

reiki

so, i had a reiki treatment today as part of a fundraiser. i did the half hour treatment (although i think it was more like an hour, they just kept going).

and now, now i feel very weird and discomboulated and my tummy is going crazy and my throat hurts. maybe those people who say 'leave well enough alone' have something.

okay, no, it's true, i don't really believe that. i do believe that maybe i should do it more often, or do it when i can go home and sleep, not when i have to sit in my office and deal with the after-effects.

motivation

why is it that motivation is sometimes so hard to find? i have stuff i could be doing right now at work, but it's all reading, and i don't enjoy reading (this type of stuff, i love reading for fun). so instead i am writing inane blog entries. la la la.

on another note, i made breadpudding last night (that's right, we live in the dessert apartment) with sourdough bread. it was different. still very tasty, especially warmed up, slathered in syrup and then topped with cookies and cream ice cream (it just sounds like a bowl of health doesn't it?)

i want to read this...

so, i'm listening to ideas on cbc right now and mary hynes (from tapestry) with tom harpur. tom harpur is the author of a book called the pagan christ. he talks about all these things where the stories from the bible are repeated in tons of other religions. he talks about how it was never meant to be 'history', it was meant to be metaphore. it was a very interesting talk.

oh, and now mary is talking to irshad manji the author of the trouble with islam I actually heard this conversation earlier, maybe on sunday, it was very interesting too. i remember turning the radio on halfway through the show and thinking "i'm sure this is the woman who hosted queer tv". and it was. damn i'm good at the voice game.

OH MY GOD!

I got home today and opened the fridge to find a bowl with a note on it. the note said "Eat me. I am oh so delicious and I don't want to be in here anymore."

well, i've never been one to not follow instructions, so i lifted the lid to discover some delicious looking creme brulee.

OH MY GOD!

i do not exagerate when i say this is the best creme brulee i have every had, in my life, ever. damn!

i will now share with you a comment from a co-worker when i told her about the lemon bars, then the cookies the next day, and the creme brulee... "you don't have a roommate, you have an angel".

mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

yum!

okay, so, in terms of what types of people i am attracted to, well, it ranges. it's a huge range actually. and all bets are off once i get to know someone, suddenly they look completely different (sometimes better, somtimes worse).

but for first-glance-walking-down-the-street kind of thing, well, i'd be hard pressed to give you a single type. one is short and stout, in men and women. that's the primary one that really turns my head. but having said that, i have also found tall skinny people attractive. aaaannnnyyyywwwwaaayyyy....

the reason i'm talking about this is, well, i have to say, i have something for 'well dressed' people. by 'well dressed' i mean suits and well tailored clothes and stuff like that, stuff that i think of as dress up clothes. mostly in this case it's the men, but sometimes there is something quite delicious about a woman in a 'power suit' too.

now, i've always kind of knows about this being something i am very attracted by, but boy oh boy, it has sure as hell come to the forefront since i have started working in downtown toronto. all i can say is yum. yum yum yum. so many men looking so damn delicious in their dress up clothes.

seriously, you have no idea, the way people dress here is WAY different than in Guelph, you know, that whopping 45 minute drive away.

so, i will continue to drool continuously on my way to and from work (because, you know, i want to be as attractive as possible and i have always found that drool just brings people flocking to me...)

one of the side effects of being a woman

okay, so, as i mentioned earlier this week, i have my period. i now feel obliged to share something with you about my period. don't worry, it does not involve the leakage of bodily fluids in any way...

i am retaining so much water (i'm sure the stress on top of the period is somehow a contributing factor in this) during this particular week of period hell that my shoes, which are usually a smidgim too big for me, are too small. and by too small, i mean, i have to with great effort and pain squeeze my feet into my shoes each morning before i go to work.

balooning feet - one of the less plesant side effects of being a woman (although this is possibly made up for by the whole multiple orgasm thing...)

my apologies

okay, i just need to write a quick email to say i am sorry about the self-indulgent self-pitying post from an hour ago.

i actually lead a really blessed life. i get to live with one of my best friends who i adore during the week, and with my partner, whom i also adore in a different way, on the weekend.

i have a job that it looks like i'm going to love.

i have loads of really great friends.

so, yeah, sorry about the previous post.

and now for a whiny (but not guelph specific) post...

okay, today isn't the best day.

i'm feeling a bit like, i don't know, a bit like when i was at summer camp, or a bit like when i was in quebec on an exchange. i desperately want to go home. i don't feel at home here.

i don't know how much of that is that fact that everything is new (ministry, job, city, blah blah blah) and how much of it is that i actually want to be at home.

i miss john (and the cats) desperately. i miss my bed. i miss feeling at home.

cameron is wonderful and hasn't done anything at all to make me feel like this, but no matter what, i seem to feel like i'm staying at cameron's place, as opposed to it being home, it's not cameron and meg's place, it's cameron's place. and he's a wonderful host and very gracious and i can't thank him enough for taking me in, but right this second, right this second i want to feel at home.

i know it's the first week. i know i promised not to judge anything based on the first couple weeks because they can be so misleading. i know all that intellectually, logically. but the problem is it's not how it's feeling. it's feeling scary and alone and strange.

i need to find a way to assimilate the fact that i pay rent at cameron's place, and yes, he's doing me a huge favour, but that doesn't mean that it's not my space at all. during the week it is *our* space. i'm not entirely sure how to assimilate that though. oh well. we'll see what happens.

i actually considered hoping on a bus tonight and heading home for the night, but i think maybe i should stick it out for the week and just show myself i can do it. always keeping in mind of course that heading home is always an option.

maybe i'll call john and see if he would be at all interested in heading out here and hanging out with me for a bit.

same-sex marriage comment for guelph people

hey folks,

just a quick note to say apparently the guelph MP (liberal brenda chaimberlain) plans to vote against same-sex marriage.

so, if you're a guelphite and you believe same-sex marriage should be a right, you might want to consider sending her a letter or email letting her know that you are a constituent and you would like her to vote in favour. also, feel free to spread the word to others you know in guelph.

Here's some contact information for you, in case you're interested. And don't forget , you don't need postage to write to an MP.

Email: chambb@parl.gc.ca (if you email remember to include your full address and contact information and real name so that it doesn't just get ignored, and she knows you're someone in her riding, a potential vote.)

Guelph Office
40 Cork Street East
Guelph, ON N1H 2W8
Tel: (519) 837-8276 Fax: (519) 837-8443

Ottawa Office
152 Confederation Building
House of Commons
Ottawa, ON K1A 0A6
Tel: (613) 996-4758 Fax: (613) 996-9922

more toilet stories

"to avoid clogs please do not flush paper towels down the toilet"

why is this such a problem?

is there a rash of masochists out there who prefer to wipe themselves with the recycled paper nubbly papertowels with actual bits of bark still in them?

really people, what are you doing brining paper towels into the toilet stall?

does this have something to do with people being afraid to touch the flush handle? and if so, why can't they just learn to do the balancing act and flush without their feet like other enterprising young folks?

you may wonder where this rant is coming from. well, in the bathroom at my new office there is a sign on the inside of the door of the stall that explains how to flush (please hold for three seconds until everything has been successfully flushed) and then puts forth the dire paper towel warning, not just in plain old font like the rest of the instructional notice, no, this is underlined for emphasis.

the whole thing made me laugh the first time, but, well, since i have to see it every time i pee throughout the day now it's makin' me think.

and it's not like this is an isolated event. you see these signs everywhere. especially in office bathrooms. i don't know what it is, maybe office workers are too busy/bored/apathetic to bother with common sense bathroom rules, like, don't flush big things down the toilet and make sure that the toilet actually flushes. *sigh*