Fabulous Attitudes Taboo

Blogging Hiatus

2009-04-28T12:11:00.004-04:00

Okay, so, you've figured this out already I'm sure, but I'm apparently going to be on a blogging hiatus for a while.

In the meantime, here are some pictures of what's keeping me from blogging to keep you entertained...

suggestions for a tv series

2009-03-29T22:04:00.001-04:00

okay, I’m looking for a new tv series to get on DVD. Suggestions?

Or, hell, even just watch on tv now. We watch: House, Fringe, Lost, terminator, doctor who, torchwood, ugly betty, gossip girl (well, that last one is more me, not we…)

Oh, and sometimes random law and orders, and flashpoint.

I’m trying to get my hands on slings and arrows, but other than that I’m open to suggestion…

Max

2009-03-04T15:54:00.001-05:00

For the record, the Nike hat is a hand-me-down, we’re not likely to be buying him new label clothes, we’re too cheap. *grin*

Got Bed Bugs in Toronto?

2009-03-01T21:54:00.001-05:00

Well then, tell the world.

I just found a bedbug registry, which is such a good idea. This way, if you’re looking to move into a place you can check out this site to see if anyone has reported bed bugs at that location.

This, of course, is not going to be a comprehensive list, since it’s just people finding it and providing content, not something from the landlord tenant board tracking complaints or something, but it’s a start.

So, I’m all for the telling the world thing. Bed bugs suck. Literally and figuratively.

BTW – it’s for places in the States and Canada, it’s not just Toronto – but my personal interest in getting as much information on it as possible is completely Toronto-based, I am ridiculously allergic to bed bugs and could never ever live with them.

oh, right, maybe i should tell you...

2009-02-27T20:54:00.001-05:00

There's a baby.

He's almost 4 weeks old now.

He's perfect. You know, in my unbiased opinion...

And his name is ...

Maxwell!

No baby yet…

2009-01-25T21:16:00.001-05:00

Just so people know, there's still no baby.

I basically have lost mobility and energy, but still have a baby in my belly.

Just so you know…

The results with 48 respondents…

2008-12-16T10:20:00.001-05:00

Okay folks…

We have 48 respondents (the survey is still open, but this seems like a good number to report in at) for the http://tinyurl.com/pregomego name survey.

1st place: Sebastian

2nd place: Jacob and Maxwell (tied)

3rd place: Liam

I'm leaving the survey up, but I won't report back again until we're at 60 or more respondents.

Also – remember, we're not looking for commentary on the names (*ahem* mum *ahem*), that's why we did it in this format. *grin* We're just curious about how the numbers play out.

Also also – remember that it's just a curiosity thing, it doesn't mean he's gonna get named the name that comes in first…

What's in a name?

2008-12-09T22:17:00.005-05:00

Okay folks, here ya go, a chance to be heard!

We have a list of 10 potential names, and we're curious about how people will react to them. We may, or may not, do anything with the information.

If you don't like any of the names that's cool, just don't click anything. Uh, you know, if you feel like checking out the survey I mean.

http://tinyurl.com/pregomego (the link is fixed now, thanks Louise!)

I await with cheese on my tongue... (too obscure?)

All the trappings

2008-11-30T22:26:00.001-05:00

Okay, so, we have a bit of a mouse problem in our 'country house'.

It's a bit challenging to deal with because we're up there are the VERY most every weekend, but much more realistically we're there every second or third weekend. So, it makes things like trapping a bit of a challenge, it certainly takes away the option of live trapping.

So, we decided that we'd go the poison route. That is, until John did some research. It would appear that there is no such thing as mouse poison that doesn't result in a horribly painful protracted death. I'm not willing to go that route.

In fact, if I could litter-train the fuckers I'd happily let them live there, and provide the occasional snack for our cats.

But, since that seems unlikely, we're back to some kind of trapping. Apparently the most humane option is a trap that electrocutes them, the quickest and least painful way for them to die.

I was wondering to John why no one had developed a poison that wasn't horrible, one that maybe numbed them and then killed them. He said, because most people wouldn't care.

I said I didn't think that people didn't care, more that people just don't think about it. That it doesn't occur to them that it would be a horrible painful death. He insists that it's that people don't care.

What do you think?

Do, people not care if the mice die a protracted painful death? Am I just naive? Or is John just cynical?

as requested…

2008-11-25T23:47:00.001-05:00

okay, so, people wanna see the registry. They also wanna know if it's a boy or a girl.

So, it's a boy, even though random strangers repeatedly insist on telling me that it's a girl.

As for the registry, we found one not linked to a store, so it gets to be a tracking thing that gives examples of what we want, without being limited to one place to buy them.

We actually want people to buy used stuff where possible/appropriate (for instance, not so keen on the idea of a used breast pump, but used crib sheets, hells ya!)

So, the registry is here, at www.findgift.com.

Someday I'll write here again, honest. But apparently not so much these days. *grin*

Apparently you can register baby stuff, who knew!

2008-10-28T11:56:00.001-04:00

So, you know how you have wedding registries? Well, apparently there are now registries for everything, including for your baby!

John and I have built a registry at babies ‘r’ us, and may also build one at Sears. For us it’s more about keeping a shopping list for ourselves, but to me it seems like such a strange concept.

Oh well, strange but good I guess…

Wanna see a play for free tonight?

2008-10-21T16:57:00.001-04:00

Okay, so, this is VERY short notice, but...

Anyone interested in going to see Raisin in the Sun with me tonight?

Curtain is at 7:30, so I'd be looking to meet someone at the theatre at around 7:15.

So, if you by any chance are reading this and might be interested, let me know.

You can email me at mainja@gmail.com

I know it's a long shot that anyone will see this, but just in case... And, don't worry, I don't have to have met you, if you're in Toronto and you want to see a play for free, let me know. I just have to do a very brief interview of you afterwards.

The dangers of a liberal arts degree...

2008-10-15T13:56:00.001-04:00

So, yesterday we had an ultra sound, and I was watching the screen and there was a heading on it that said 'gender' and what went through my head was:

"You can't tell gender, you can only tell sex, gender is a societal construct"

Then I thought "oh for god's sake megan, who cares!?!"

And yes, we know the sex, but are still deciding if we're telling people because we don't want a bunch of all pink or all blue things (see the comment regarding gender being a societal construct *grin*)

Well, that was, as expected, a total waste of time…

2008-10-15T09:53:00.001-04:00

Here we are, the day after the election, in basically exactly the same situation we were in before the election was called.

A Conservative minority.

sigh.

Now, I’m thankful that it’s not a Conservative majority, I can’t help but feel this election was a colossal waste of money and time. I also think that the low voter turnout is a bit of an indication of that.

So, now I’m going to go weep into my latte – or, possibly go to Mississauga to by prego clothes (not so much with the plus-sized maternity options – obviously fat people don’t have sex, so why would they get pregant? *grin*)

Either way, I think I’ll try and fit some weeping in…

God some people are gross

2008-10-10T16:35:00.001-04:00

Canada judge tells woman not to call police if battered again.

Just so you know...

2008-10-09T17:13:00.001-04:00

My NDP candidate looks like he'd make an excellent Drag Queen. Just so you know.

Baby update

2008-10-07T16:05:00.001-04:00

We had our OB appt today.

Basically, everything looks perfect.

I'm finally gaining weight (2lbs in the last month+), which has made my OB happy.

The heartbeat is strong and regular, and we got to hear it again, which was, again, super cool.

The baby is in the position it is supposed to be in for this point in the pregnancy.

The last ultrasound showed that everything was in order. We have another ultrasound next week, because they couldn't get the heart effectively enough in the last one, because the baby wasn't cooperating. They got some pictures of it, but I guess they want pictures from all sorts of angles.

The weird fluttering and stuff that I'm feeling is normal, and it's also normal that I'm not feeling actual kicking yet.

My blood pressure is "perfect" and I'm assuming the blood sugar levels are good, because she dipped the litmus strip in the pee then threw out the pee and strip. And those are two of the most common pregnancy complications apparently, so that's good.

The genetic testing they did turned out just fine, so there will be no need for an amnio (thank goodness! I don't like the idea of a big huge needle going into my belly thank-you-very-much)

Ummmm. I think that's it. Basically it was a perfect appointment. Which was nice. Because, apparently I am constantly paranoid that something is going to go wrong.

You can't make this shit up...

2008-10-06T15:12:00.001-04:00

So, I'm at Jet Fuel. There's this guy, lets call him Joe. Joe is very nice. Very intense, but very nice.

He's being head-hunted by Research in Motion.

He just said very loudly to this other guy "yeah, didn't I tell you, I'm trying to get a RIM job..."

I somehow managed not to snort. *grin*

Internet dependence

2008-09-30T12:54:00.001-04:00

So, I'm at Jet Fuel (shocking), and the power has gone out. Which means there is no internet connection, and it's too dark to journal or read a book. But, I do have my computer with battery life.

Somehow that's not enough though. I suddenly didn't know what I could use my computer for if it wasn't for web stuff. For some insane reason it felt like I couldn't even write a blog entry without being connected to the internet, even through it's only needed for the publishing part.

I find it interesting how much I seem to *need* to be in front of the computer, connected to the internet, at all times possible. I'm not sure what that's about. Am I afraid that something important is going to happen and I'm going to miss out? Is it because I still can't seem to really spend time with friends so it's my only connection to them? Is it just habit, plain and simple?

I'm not sure, but whatever it is, it's an odd feeling.

In the meantime, I *obviously* need to get some offline games on this machine...

Sometimes craigslist cracks me up

2008-09-24T12:31:00.001-04:00

Okay, today I found this post.

It made me giggle.

So, I'm sharing it with you, and I clicked the thing to tag it as a 'best of craigslist', who knows, maybe it will get to be enshrined in craigslist forever.

I'm sorry, but I think there's some kind of rule...

2008-09-22T13:12:00.001-04:00

I know this will likely bore you out of your skull, but I think there is some kind of rule that says I have to do this.

I now present to you our blob...

So, in this one you can see the head on the left, and four little fingertips under the head. From this particular picture Kate and I have combined our expertise to determine that I will be having an alien-dog baby, which is fitting, since it's due on Friday the 13th...

In this one you can, um, uh, yeah, not sure what you can see in this one. I mean, presumably that's the head there, since it's in the same place...

So, there you go, our blob. Our very active blob who I think will end up being a stellar swimmer (assuming it can breath the water that it's swimming in I suppose).

VOTE!! Vote now!!! Okay, not now, but VOTE IN OCTOBER!!!

2008-09-17T17:07:00.001-04:00

And now, a message from my mother:

_________________________________________

Hi all

After 37 years as of being a Canadian voter I've decided it's time to do more than vote. It's time to encourage all eligible Canadians to vote, and to ask as many people as I know to encourage everyone they know to vote.

Doesn't matter how anyone votes, I'd just like to see a Canadian government that represents something more than 25% of eligible Canadian voters. (If my math is right that's the percentage of Canadians who elected our minority government.)

Until the election I'll be using my blog, Living in the Country, as a platform to beat my personal election drum. I'll be writing about the Canadian federal election and the campaigns in as neutral a way as I can. No doubt you'll all be able to figure out where I stand so I'll say upfront that I'm fairly left-wing but am to the right of Attila the Hun on some issues.

If you're comfortable doing it could you please send this email on to everyone - or as many people as you feel comfortable sending it to - in the hopes that we can all persuade at least one person, who wouldn't otherwise, to vote in the upcoming election on October 14.

If we each persuade one person to vote we'll have made a difference.

___________________________________________

So, now, just for a flavour, here's an excerpt from her blog entry:

Get involved - Vote!

We get the government we vote for. Personally I'd rather bite off my right arm than vote conservative (tell us what you really think Sam) but if a majority of Canadian voters want a conservative government I can live with that.

In the last election about 65% of eligible voters actually voted. The Conservatives formed a minority government with about 39% of the popular vote (popular doesn't refer to the Miss Congeniality vote, it means the number of people across Canada who actually voted.) That means that 25% of eligible voters wanted a conservative government.

It brings a whole new meaning to the idea of minority government.

The truth is out - other countries have noticed Canada's decline...

2008-09-14T15:12:00.001-04:00

Well, this was painful and kind of embarrassing to read, but good to read at the same time.

An American perspective...

Here's a snippet.

Canada is quietly becoming a political basket case, and this latest election may make things even worse.

Just scan the headlines. In June, the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development warned that Canada—for years the only G8 country to post regular budget surpluses—was likely to fall into deficit this year, thanks to a reckless cut to the national sales tax. In February, the government proposed denying funding to films and TV shows whose content it deemed "not in the public interest," sparking cries of censorship from a sector that has historically received public support. In 2007, a member of the governing Conservative Party proposed a bill that would reopen the debate over abortion, a topic that governments both liberal and conservative have avoided for decades.

Redirecting of course...

2008-09-12T08:21:00.001-04:00

okay, so, apparently I don't have anything interesting to say here, but I did write an article I kind of like on Mooney on Theatre.

Check it out, comment, make it look like it has some life... *grin*

A topic, a topic, my kingdom for a topic!

2008-09-08T14:05:00.001-04:00

Writers block reins supreme over here these days.

I got nothing to say. sigh.

The most exciting thing in my life these days is that my post looking for writers for www.mooneyontheatre.com on craigslist keeps getting flagged and removed. it's annoying.

Speaking of which, anyone in Toronto want to try their hand at writing about theatre? I'm looking for folks of all ages and all levels of theatre experience (from none to active participant in the industry).

Oh, wait, here's something to write about. I'm at Jet Fuel (I know, everyone's falling over in shock now...) and there is a guy here who I really quite like a lot. He's intense, which can be hard, but he's a good guy. So, we'll call him Mr. X.

I saw Mr. X today, said hello and asked him how he was, and he was very silent, finally he said 'I don't think I can talk about it, but my body is well'. So, I did a kind of sympathetic pouty face and said that I was glad his body was well, but that I was sorry to hear about the other stuff. He kept staring at me, then quietly put his hand to his chest and said 'my heart, my heart is hurting' and continued to stand there for a while. All this while I'm sitting at my table. He looked so sad. it was hard to watch. And he stayed for a long time, in silence. Then he said 'there are lots of things I'd like to talk to you about, but I can't right now'.

I nodded and he started to walk away, and I yelled after him 'mr. X, I'm here whenever you need me, just come get me' He said thanks and kept walking.

The thing is, he looks like he's in so much emotional pain, I just wanted to hug him, but I don't know if that's appropriate. First of all, I barely know him, and haven't seen him being really huggy with lots of people, so I'm not sure how he's react. Second, sometimes when you're feeling like shite and barely holding it together, a hug makes you break and bawl, and I don't know how he'd feel about doing that, and I'm not sure I want to be there when it happens.

hmmmm. Pain's so hard to watch. Especially in people you like. Now I'm sending him psychic hugs and looking up with sympathetic smiles every time he walks by.

Nicknames

2008-09-05T13:46:00.001-04:00

Apparently I have a new name.

This name is, prego mego.

Now, please resume your regular daily activities...

So...

2008-09-02T20:59:00.001-04:00

I have news.

Some of you know it already, some don't.

John and I are going to have a baby!!!

I'm due in February.

Today we heard the baby's heartbeat, which was, well, amazing.

It's apparently real. Who knew... *grin*

So, there you have it, now you know.

Always look on the bright side of life...

2008-08-27T15:32:00.001-04:00

So, I'm on vacation this week at the 'country house' (I love the juxtaposition of how fancy that sounds with out really really not fancy the house is - esp. the upstairs being powered by an extension cord from downstairs, which is, I'm sure, completely up to code...).

It's a mix of vacation and work on some renos on the house.

I seem to be sick. It just started today, but it sucks. (and no, I'm assuming it's not listeriosis)I've spent the entire day in bed, but have now left that area because john is pulling up a floor there, which means, you know, not as relaxing as you might think...

So, as you can imagine, I'm grumpy at being sick, but...

I just had this moment of intense joy that was really funny. I'm eating a banana that is at it's *PERFECT* ripeness for me. I'm very picky about bananas and there is about 20 minutes in it's entire life cycle when it's perfect. This one, it's perfect.

So, I laughed at myself at the intense joy, and I figured, hey, I bet I know a group of people who'd like to laugh at me too!

so, laugh away my pretties, laugh a way...

Anyone want to vent frustrations?

2008-08-26T01:08:00.001-04:00

Anyone feel like coming to the scenic countryside to vent your frustrations by tearing up floors and bashing into walls?

No?

There's beer in it for you...

Still no?

Oh well. It was worth asking.

You need 50 dollas to make me holla, I get paaaiiid to do the wild thing!

2008-08-22T12:55:00.001-04:00

Someone just drove past my house with Funky Called Medina playing really really loudly out of their car.

I was immediately thrown back to high school, or, junior high, or whenever it was. Okay, well, not so specifically thrown I guess, but it was weird.

Ahhh. Ton Loc, where are you now?

Me!

2008-08-15T14:34:00.001-04:00

It looks ~~nothing~~ just like me!

Okay, it looks nothing like me, but it's cute... (and with the right bra, my boobs could look like that...)

Make your own at http://www.faceyourmanga.com/

what's the name for...

2008-08-09T12:29:00.001-04:00

You know names that are names for both men and women, like Sam, or Chris, or Robin, or Dale - that kind of thing.

Is there a name for that type of name? I always call them ambidextrous names, but obviously that's just me being a goof. Is there a real name for that type of name?

Sometimes stuff that's gross is also kind of funny...

2008-08-06T12:45:00.001-04:00

Okay, so, you know the church that has the URL godhatesfags?

Well, as part of the Summerworks theatre festival here in Toronto there is a play mocking that church called The Pastor Phelps Project.

Apparently the real Pastor Phelps (of godhatesfags fame) got wind of this and is now coming to Toronto to protest it.

I wrote about it on my Mooney on Theatre blog here.

Here's the thing. It's horrible, heinous, disgusting, gross, and many other such adjectives, but I can't help laughing every time I read the flyer. It's so over the top that it feels like a flyer mocking the church, not something the church themselves put out. It's all so ridiculous that it's hard to take seriously.

Now, if only we could laugh at that stuff, but they don't come to Toronto, and it doesn't effect anyone in anyway. That would be perfect.

Oh well, in the meantime, welcome to Canada, Pastor Phelps, "Land of the Sodomites" and happy to be so.

P.S. Whenever I read "Land of the Sodomites" I hear it to the tune of "Land of the silver birch, home of the beaver." And I have to say, "Land of the sodomites, home of the beaver" makes Canada sound like a very interesting place indeed...

Brunch at Piccolo in Toronto (Cabbagetown)

2008-07-27T22:05:00.001-04:00

Yum.

Oh, I should write more than that? Okay...

So, John and I decided to throw caution to the wind this morning and treat ourselves to a nice brunch. We went to a place that's around the corner from us on Carlton. It's called Piccolo and it's wonderful.

It's a lovely space, there is a nice patio out front, and the dining area inside is also very nice. And, it is a really reasonable price for a Sunday brunch buffet. $15 and that includes your tea or coffee.

The food was wonderful, far better than one expects from a buffet, excellent caesar salad that we put out in small batches and refreshed regularly, so it was always cool and crisp, never wilty. In fact, I would say it is almost at part with the caesar salad I make, and that's saying a lot. *grin* Oh, and the bread, which is made in house, is to dye for. Sooooooo good.

Hmmm. Lets see what else...

For hot food there was a mushroom risotto, the frittata, delicious roast lamb (I think, initially I thought it was beef, but then thought lamb, but not a very strong lamb), some yummy chicken thing, penne carbonara, and some spicy meatballs. Oh, there is also french toast and sausages and bacon.

Cold food included the delicious bread and the delicious caesar salad, a tomato basil and boccacini thing, Greek salad (tradition, no lettuce), broad beans, salami, prosciutto, and cheeses.

Desserts, also delightful. There were tarts with fresh fruit on them, a carrot cake, some amazing tiramisu, creme caramel (i didn't like it that much though) and fresh fruit.

NOW did a review recently, and Piccolo itself has (a really terrible) website.

toilet paper - over or under?

2008-07-23T17:28:00.001-04:00

So, today, as I was changing the toilet roll, and carefully making sure that the toilet paper was over, not under, I found myself wondering why I care.

This is an issue of great debate among many people.

Why do we care?

Does it effect the way the toilet paper functions?

Does it change how easy or difficult it is to extract it from the roll?

Seriously, why the fuck do we care?!?!?!?!

why can't boxes unpack themselves?

2008-07-21T16:23:00.001-04:00

So, we moved at the beginning of July. Then it was Fringe. The Fringe festival officially tapped all my energy. I barely had enough to get to plays and write reviews, I sure as hell wasn't going to be unpacking boxes.

Then, last week, well, apparently last week I was recovering from Fringe. There was a fair bit of sleeping involved in the process, and some general hiding out from the world.

This weekend John and I stealthily avoided unpacking by going to the country house.

Which brings us to this week. Let me assure you that I have high hopes for this week and the unpacking process. In fact, just today I have unpacked two, yes, that's right, TWO boxes! What's that? You're telling me you think two isn't a lot of boxes? Oh. Well. Shit.

I'm starting to think that the best bet is to just have someone come over and take the boxes away, with everything in them. We have WAY too much stuff. WAY WAY too much.

Come on people! Haven't you ever heard of irony?!?!

2008-07-14T14:24:00.001-04:00

Given the uproar being caused by the cover of the New Yorker, I'm thinking that maybe next issue they should publish a copy of "A Modest Proposal" as a way to address the food crises being faced around the world.

Art Fag City is where I saw this first, so Paddy gets the nod.

awww

2008-07-13T11:56:00.001-04:00

okay, so, I'm in Jet Fuel, supposed to be working on a post, but I'm going to take a minute to write this because it was kind of heart breaking somehow.

A kid was just in here with his mum, and he had a balloon, and while he was standing there waiting while she got her coffee, his balloon popped. Not sure why or how it popped, that, it was far away, but it was loud and startling.

And heart-breaking part was how sad and embarrassed the kid looked. Everyone was really nice, and was comforting him and stuff, no one was mad that he'd popped it, but he looked so disappointed. He didn't cry, he didn't make a fuss, he just hung his head.

I think if he did cry or make a fuss I would have though 'come on, it's just a fucking balloon' but as it was I wanted to run over and say 'hang on, I'll go to the store and get you a balloon.'

Which I am going to take as a lesson that sometimes it's WAY more effective to not make a fuss. (not that I'm so much a fuss-making kind of gal, but you know.)

WTF!?!?!?!

2008-07-11T16:23:00.001-04:00

Seriously. What. The. Fuck.

From Nunc Scio (a wicked wicked blog that I love)

Apparently, some senior officials in the US Department of Homeland Security have expressed interest in an electronic bracelet for all airline travellers. It seems pretty handy- it contains your boarding pass and your personal info all in a handy piece of disposable jewelry.

Oh, and it also contains a tiny taser that, when activated, completely immobilizing the wearer. Yes, if the security wonks get their way, we may all soon be wearing tiny shock collars.

Mooney on Theatre - check it out

2008-07-05T23:01:00.001-04:00

So, not so much with the activity on this blog this week, because not only did we just move, but it's also Fringe time.

I'm coordinating Fringe coverage for two sites because I'm insane.

One of those sites is Mooney on Theatre. You should go and read and comment and stuff like that. Oh, and, you know, tell your friends. *grin*

irresistible

2008-06-27T23:48:00.001-04:00

I have yet to meet a teenage girl who hasn't fallen head over heels for John.

I say this from experience, since after all, I was a teenage girl when we met.

But since then, whenever I see him interact with a teenage girl (particularly younger than 16) it is SO obvious that they become immediately smitten with him that it's about the cutest thing ever. This comes up because tonight I watched him interact with the daughter of a friend of our landlord's (convoluted, I know, but we all got drunk together - well, save the teenager who joined us later in the evening).

All I can say is if we ever have a son I pity him when he's a teenager and brings home girls he has crushes on...

Uhaul hates us

2008-06-26T21:13:00.001-04:00

Below is a letter that John has sent to Uhaul...

________________________________________

I have a massive problem.

I booked a truck for last night, I was given a "guaranteed" confirmation number (#7751876) and told that I would get a call back.

Nobody called, so I called back to the main u-haul call centre where I made the reservation. After a long time on hold, a customer service representative came on the line and told me that he would transfer me to the rental place directly. The rental place was apparently either busy or otherwise occupied because the CSR came back on the line and gave me a number to call them myself the next morning.

The next morning, (this morning, Thursday June the 26th) an agent called back and confirmed the rental to be picked up at the Bermondsey road location in Toronto at 5:30 this afternoon and returned Saturday at 5:30.

Thinking that everything was sorted out, we arranged for loaders to be available on Friday evening.

However, after driving to the rental agency this afternoon, (an hour on the road) we were told that the truck was, in fact, not available. The person at the agency said that she had tried to call us to unconfirm the confirmation, but we were not at home. We had waited for the confirmation this morning, but once it came we left.

The agent called the regional manager and after waiting a longish time in the office, we were told that we could have a truck from this evening to first thing saturday if we went to the Toronto Warden Avenue office.

Once we got to the Warden Avenue office, (another half an hour drive) and waiting at the counter, we were told that our rental had been transfered there, but that we could only have the truck until noon on Friday and while she was very sorry, there was nothing she could do about getting the truck for any longer than that since there simply wasn't anything available. Since our helpers weren't coming until Friday evening, this obviously wouldn't do us any good. She did say we could call the rental line to get the $50.00 fee back though.

However, our tale does not yet end. We tried to call the a rental line, only to be faced with one busy signal after another for around ten minutes until the call was finally picked up and we were placed on the call cue.

Since I have a timer on my cell phone, I know that we were sitting in the call cue for 37 minutes until the recorded message finally stopped, the line started ringing, and stayed that way for another 8 minutes until I gave up and disconnected after 45 minutes being waiting for someone to tell me something, but coming up completely empty.

Which brings us to now. I've now spent three hours driving around Toronto and waiting in line at two different uhaul offices; spent, almost an hour and a half waiting on hold on the rental line over two days and I have no truck or any chance of getting one from uhaul or, at this point, anywhere else until next Wednesday. I need to be out of my house on Monday, and I have no clue whatsoever how I'm going to get my furniture to my new house.

The $50.00 from the "guaranteed reservation" seems very small recompense for the level of frustration, time, energy and gas I've spent on the ultimately futile attempt to get a truck from you.

With the single exception of Megan at the Warden Avenue location, who was utterly professional and efficient, nobody I dealt with throughout this ordeal gave me any confidence in the organization whatsoever.

To say I'm unimpressed with the level of customer service, organization and professionalism at uhaul would be a massive understatement.

The only thing at this point that would make me anything less than absolutely furious would be that a truck is made available to me tomorrow with no rental fee charged.

Painting a hug

2008-06-26T11:42:00.001-04:00

So, as part of moving we're painting the new place.

Did you know that paint names are ridiculous?

Our livingroom, kitchen and office are all painted, wait for it, they are painted... "cuddle".

That's right folks, snuggle up to those warm cozy walls, let them stroke your hair and squeeze you tight.

What colour is it really? White, with a very slight pinkish tinge.

Now, the bedroom, well, it's painted in, um, uh. Wait, I don't know the name of that colour. We'll call it dark brown, although the actual name is probably something like 'desire'. It looks like melted chocolate when you pour it into the tray. As you paint it looks like you're smearing melted dark chocolate all over the wall. It's quite delicious looking.

If only I could blog in my sleep

2008-06-25T13:51:00.001-04:00

Last night, while I was trying to sleep, I wrote a wonderful blog post in my head. It was witty and poignant and wonderful. And I haven't the faintest clue what the hell it was or what it was about.

On one hand, the idea of a device that I could dictate my thoughts to is incredibly appealing. No more lost brilliance, it would all be there. On the other hand, it's an unbelievably creepy idea, and it would just give the Cylons *that* much more power when they take over the world.

Oh. Wait. The Cylons are you now aren't they. hmmm. Okay, well, maybe it's not so bad then...

And now for something completely different...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LOUISE!!!!!

only the important things

2008-06-24T10:34:00.001-04:00

Because I know you're all dying to hear about me being sick, I'm gonna blog about it.

Oh. Wait. No I'm not, because that's FUCKING BORING - much like being sick.

I could talk about all the packing I haven't done.

I could talk about all the painting I haven't finished.

I could talk about the fact that we haven't had hot water in a week and won't until Wednesday.

But all those things would be whiny and boring.

So, instead I will struggle to find something interesting to say. Oh, and, btw, I mean to dedicate my last post to Torn.

Interesting... Interesting... Interesting... hmmmmm.

So, how 'bout that local sports team!?!

thank god for pee pads (yes, a post about incontinence)

2008-06-23T09:24:00.001-04:00

There are many things that suck about being sick. I won't bore you with a laundry list of these things (laundry list? who makes a laundry list?), I will instead focus on one part.

The coughing.

The coughing is hell.

Not because my throat is so swollen it clicks when I swallow now.

Not because I can taste blood in my throat because it's so raw.

Not even because I can't fall asleep because I keep waking myself up by coughing.

Nope. Those aren't the worst thing about coughing.

The worst thing about coughing is the constant peeing myself. Now, to clarify, just in case you have never experienced what I'm going to call pressure incontinence, it's when there's a little bit of pee that escapes when you cough or sneeze. You mostly hear about it in menopausal women, and, well, me.

So. I'm coughing constantly. Which means I'm peeing myself lots. Which means I'm wandering about with my legs clenched. But then I remembered, I have pee pads! Yay! Pee pads are the best!

Now that's solved, well, I guess we'll have to choose one of the above items as the worst part about coughing now...

good brainless movie suggestions please?

2008-06-22T17:19:00.001-04:00

Okay, so, as I may have mentioned I'm sick. I need something to distract me. Something engaging enough that it captures my attention, but brainless enough that I don't need to think about it too much.

Anyone have any suggestions?

timing is everything

2008-06-21T19:10:00.001-04:00

So. We move shortly. Like, in a couple days kind of shortly. And I have now been hit with a miserable cold.

I'm dizzy, I'm stuffed up (likely the contributing factor to dizzy), my woozy, my throat feels like i've been running sandpaper along the inside of it, my head hurts, and my ears not only hurt, but are itchy, i mean the inside canal bit is itchy.

As you can imagine, this does not make for a very happy meg. Nor does it make for a very productive packing meg.

um. I'm not positive there is a point to this post, just me whining... :P

Pimpin' my new site - www.mooneyontheatre.com

2008-06-15T00:33:00.001-04:00

Okay, so, I have been really terrible about writing here on a regular basis these days, so that means I have about 5 readers left I think, but...

I'm looking for people to check out my new site, www.mooneyontheatre.com.

I want it to get traffic, and comments.

So, do me a favour, if you're a Toronto person (or, even if you're not), check out the site, and if you feel *really* generous, leave a comment.

Did I mention it's www.mooneyontheatre.com :P

me at the mille femmes gala thingy

2008-06-11T23:43:00.001-04:00

The obligatory picture in front of a picture...

This was a 'thank you' poster that was really quite nice to read, but hard to take a picture. (Maraval is the photographer's name)

The detail of the really nice words

Mum wrote about it on my new theatre thingy Mooney on Theatre.

do you suppose there is a correlation between heat and apathy?

2008-06-10T20:23:00.001-04:00

Okay, okay. Don't answer that. The answer, whether proven through scientific study or not, is absolutely yes. Unequivocally yes. Emphatically yes.

So, here we are, getting ourselves in gear to move. You know, packing, cleaning the new place, planning, all that fun stuff. But... Well, there's a hitch.

The hitch, of course, is that we're not doing any of that, because it's bloody 40+ degrees celsius (104f) with the humidex - so, not only hot, but so thick you can't breath.

So. um. Yeah. Not so much with the moving around thing... Which means, of course, that not much is getting done on the whole prepping for the move thing.

ugh.

testing out live writer

2008-06-07T22:14:00.001-04:00

Okay, so, I've installed this thing called 'live writer', which apparently makes it so I can put in blog entries here, and possibly others.

Who knows. If it doesn't let me do multiple blogs, well, then, I don't imagine it will be of much use, but, for now, here we go.

Of course, this means I need to figure out what to write... Well, I could write about our new apartment, I know everyone is DYING to hear about it.

First. It's in the perfect location.

Second. It's a bit cheaper than our current place.

Third. It's a bit smaller than our current place (but, you know, it's in the perfect location)

Fourth. It doesn't have as nice outside space as our current place. (did I mention it's in the PERFECT location).

I guess that's it for the run-down. Basically, it's in the heart of Cabbagetown, a 90 second walk from Jet Fuel if you're meandering. When we first too possession it was still dirty from the last tenants, which, you know, was disheartening. However, after a quick text message exchange with our new landlord she agreed to pay to have it cleaned. And now it's sparkling!

I have this wonderful cleaning guy who is super cheap ($14 and hour) so he made it sparkle for us.

I guess now I have to think about packing up our old place...

I'm one of Toronto's Mille Femmes

2008-06-04T15:54:00.003-04:00

And apparently I'm even in the "making of" video. Well, a really quick headshot of me is at 5 minutes, 20 seconds.

the video

the write up on the LuminaTO site.

hey, stress is fun, right?

2008-06-01T21:17:00.003-04:00

so, mostly i've been avoiding talking about depression here lately, 'cause, well, it was getting old and boring quite quickly. but the bottom line is, i'm still depressed. it still sucks. i still can't work. or even stay out all day. and i kind of have a hard time with the people contact thing.

why am i telling you this now? why bring it up again? well, i'm in the process of filling out the forms for long-term disability through the insurance company at work. it's really bloody stressful. i'm not sure why it's SO stressful. i guess because it's a reminder that i'm not better and brings up all the old fears about never getting better and blah blah blah.

not sure why i am telling everyone this. just. um. well, just am i guess.

yeah. okay. that's it for now. :P

Blurry

2008-05-30T11:27:00.002-04:00

I think part of my feeling restless thing is that I'm feeling unfocused.

I have stuff I *should* do. Stuff that normally I'd enjoy doing. But I can't seem to be able to get down to brass tacks on any of them.

So, I'm trying to come up with a strategy. One where I get stuff done, but don't feel overwhelmed by how much I have to do. Because, the truth is, I don't *have* to do any of it. The world will not end if it doesn't get done.

I have a friend who I'm coaching/mentoring about business stuff, and he does some of it for me in return. One of the things we do is managing to-do lists. So, today I had a brilliant idea. I'm going to set up a global todo list (so, stuff I want to get done in general, not what I'm aiming to get done daily. That way it's in a central place.

I don't know, I'm just feeling a bit like I'm floundering these days and I'm not a huge fan of the feeling.

But don't worry, I'll be sure to keep you updated in long tedious blog posts. :P

Spring fever?

2008-05-28T16:21:00.001-04:00

I've been feeling a bit restless lately. Not sure how to describe it exactly, just restless. There are changes afoot, the biggest being the move. That's exciting, but also a bit overwhelming.

I have to do my stuff for LTD (long term disability), which is, well, terrifying. I'm not exactly sure why, I guess just 'cause I hate that I'm going to be on LTD, although, also completely thankful that it is an option.

I spend an awful lot of time at a local cafe called Jet Fuel. It's wonderful here. I have a friend who came here and said it was the most pretentious place he'd ever been in, which, you know, is true. But it's also interesting, and welcoming (once you've been here a few times) and has a feeling of community. It's filled with regulars, we often nod at each other in acknowledgment, sometimes chat with each other, and always smile at each other. In fact, since most of us here are doing work of some kind, we will sometimes take “coffee breaks” and chat with each other, between frantic bouts of typing.

It's a comfortable place.

Theatre is my cocaine

2008-05-23T14:22:00.001-04:00

So, there are a bunch of things I *should* be doing, so obviously that means it's time to write a blog entry. ;)

If you've been reading this regularly for the last few months you'll know that I spend a lot of time at Jet Fuel in Cabbagetown (Toronto). It's a place where I can bring my laptop, drink amazing lattes, and get shit done.

Lately though, lately it's a place where I come with my laptop and every intention of getting shit done, and instead talking to random people lots. Although it's not the most conducive for getting work done, it is exhilarating. I met a woman here who is a stage manager and really wonderful. We have long in depth discussions about theatre that both exhaust and exhilarate me.

Me and theatre. Ahhh. What a journey.

Something I've loved since the very beginning (I remember putting on plays for my parents, and when they weren't available, my stuffed animals – I was a really exciting kid.) I never feel as alive as when I'm involved in theatre. And it's not about being on stage, although that rocks too. It's anything about theatre. Talking about it. Watching it. Working on it. Being in it. Everything. I'd forgotten just how much I loved it in the last couple of years, starting to write about theatre for blogTO really reminded me just how much I loved it.

And it's just continued building. You would expect that perhaps the more I'm involved in the industry the less interested I would end up being as the novelty wore off. But exactly the opposite has happened. The more I am involved the more I want. I think theatre is my cocaine.

So, because I can't get enough of theatre, I'm building a site. I'm building something to write all I want on. It's going to take time and energy, but I am more excited about it than I have been about anything in a long time.

I need to come up with a succinct statement for the theatre, an objective or goal or mission or whatever jargony thing you want to call it. The longer version is – I have always thought that if I won the lottery I would use the money to bring theatre to the masses. Not sure how I'd do that, but that's my goal. I want theatre to be the way it was in Shakespeare's day, I want it to be something everyone goes to. I want theatre to be like movies. There's tons of it out there that is almost as cheap as a movie, and cheaper because you're not buying confections... But people don't know about the small productions, or they are intimidated by them. I want to make something that lets people know about theatre, make it accessible.

So that's what I'm doing. The site isn't ready for public consumption yet, and I'm still rolling things around in my head, but don't worry, I'll be sure to let you know when it's up so you can all humour me by going to it. :P

Recently Reminded Rhett Really Rocks

2008-05-19T00:40:00.000-04:00

I was in Ottawa for the past week staying with my friend Dave. It was great fun, for a several reasons.

1) General escape from my Toronto life (I like my Toronto life, but if you've been reading this for a while, you know that things have been a little *ahem* overwhelming the last year or more)

2) Spending time with my dear dear friend of 16 or so years for an extended period of time, instead of an afternoon, or if i'm really lucky a weekend, at a time. It felt good to reconnect.

3) Reconnecting with my friend Rhett after a gazillion years.

As you may have guessed from the subject line, I'm gonna talk about Rhett. God I love him so much! It was an interesting lesson in how sometimes when you connect with someone that connection is just gonna stick, no matter what.

I'll give you some history of Rhett and I. When I was a kid I lived in Zambia. When you live in a city across the world in a place like Lusaka all the ex-pats stick together, especially those from the same country as each other. The Canadian embassy there was a place we went to on a regular basis, it wasn't just some strange out-of-reach bureaucratic office. So, my parents were in Lusaka (dad was working for CIDA), and Rhett's parents were in Lusaka (no idea what they were doing there actually), and Rhett and I were the same age (8ish). This meant that our parents hung out together and, when our parents hung out together, then so did we.

Well, that's how it started anyway. What ended up happening actually was that we became fast friends, he quickly became my best friend, and our hanging out time became quite independent of when our parents would hang out. In retrospect it is pretty cool that we became so fucking close, considering the fact that at the time I would have had girl-cooties and he would have had boy-cooties. I mean, I had friends that were girls, and he had friends that were boys, but he was without a doubt my best friend. We never actually talked about it, but I suspect that I was his best friend at the time too. I mean, we were 8, how complex could it have been?

Anyway, the intensity of our friendship when WAY beyond our circumstantial pairing. When we moved from Zambia to Barbados the thing that broke my heart the most was leaving Rhett behind. Well, Rhett and my dogs. I was pretty heartbroken that we couldn't take the dogs with us.

So, off we went to Barbados, where I met new friends in the way a 9 year old does, but even there I missed Rhett tons. A year later we moved back to Guelph, where I reconnected with old friends and made new ones. And still, I missed Rhett.

My little 11 year old heart leapt for joy when I heard that Rhett and his family were not only moving back to Canada, but were in fact moving to GUELPH!!!!! Now, that's an age where cooties are at their hight, and he was building his life in Guelph with his friends, so we didn't see each other much, but I was very happy to have him back in my life. Unfortunately it was short-lived. His parents moved to Ottawa, which of course, meant he moved to Ottawa.

We lost touch for several years then. I didn't really know if I was allowed to track him down in Ottawa or if that would be weird. It sounds ridiculous to say that, but you know, teenagers aren't the most secure self-assured beings on the planet, and I was of course worried that he'd outgrown our friendship and would think I was just some clingy loser if I tracked him down. Years later, by some crazy happenstance, I ran into him in a random mall in Ottawa. I think we were about 17. We ended up standing in the same check-out line and eying each other for a while before we identified each other. So, we exchanged phone numbers and I think I called him that night from my grandma's house. I have memories of sitting in her basement and talking to him on the phone for hours. But we never saw each other again.

Then through the wonders of the internet we found each other again. I have no actual memory of how that actually happened. I know I wrote on this blog that I was looking for him, maybe someone found it and tipped him off. It was pre-facebook, so it wasn't that. Anyway, that doesn't matter. The point is, about a year ago John and I were in Ottawa and met him for a few pints. It was the first time I'd seen him in 14 years, and the second time I'd seen him in probably 18 or 19 years. Shit. When I actually write that out it's a bloody long time.

Anyway, this bloody long preamble was to give background to the fact that in the past week I was lucky enough to hang out with him twice. It was wonderful both times. In fact, I had a whole conversation with a friend of mine, who knew him from many many moons ago, about how it is impossible for anyone to not have a crush on him because he really has it all. He's smart, funny, attractive, a jocky kind of guy who loves the arts and has a philosophy degree, loves to have interesting actually kind of meaningful conversations (although they don't have to be wildly intense), can be totally politically incorrect, is very caring, loves nascar and the ballet, I mean, basically, whatever you like, Rhett does it. My friend suggested that perhaps if you were a guy who was insecure about your sexuality you wouldn't have a crush on him, I conceded that perhaps that was true. She then said though that they would still have a crush on him, they just wouldn't be able to admit it to themselves. We decided then that we had empirical proof that it is impossible to not have crush on Rhett. When I told Rhett of our scientific findings he assured me that I only thought that because I haven't spent much time with him. Although I let him say it, he's full of shit. It has been proven dammit!

And, cycling back to the beginning... I think that fundamental parts of our personality are fixed at a very early age. I think that the fact that someone I completely adored when I was 7 or 8 (and didn't subsequently stay in touch with so didn't do any of the 'growing together' things that I've done with other friends) is still someone I adore now that I've reconnected with him after all these years is a tidy demonstration of this fact.

Also... Yay Rhett!

And thus ends my 1200 word essay on hanging out with Rhett.

I may be crazy, you may be right, but it just may be a lunatic you're looking for...*

2008-05-05T15:23:00.002-04:00

So. How's this for crazy?

The other day I drove past a place in Cabbagetown that had a 'for rent' sign on it. It was right in the heart of Cabbagetown, right where I have wanted to live since I was a little kid.

For some reason I kept putting off calling. Today, at my mother's urging, I finally called. The place sounded great. 2 bedrooms on two levels, large outside space, two bathrooms, 5 appliances, heat and water included, parking space, fireplace, and most important, in the heart of cabbagetown on a beautiful tree-lined old street filled with wonderful neighbourhood feeling houses. All this, with a monthly cost comprable to what we're paying at our place now.

I asked Samatha (the owner) when I could come by and see it. She said she had a showing at 2pm and I could come if I wanted. So I did. My mum and I did actually.

Before we even got inside mum said "call her now, tell her to cancel her viewings, you'll take it now." I laughed and said maybe we should see inside first (which, come to think about it, is a distinct role reversal from the last house we bought, mum came to see that with me and before we even went I said "I want the house" and she said "maybe you should see inside first")

We went inside, scopped it out, and as soon as the owner was out of earshot mum said "take it! take it now!"

So. Um. I did. I went upstairs and said "what do I have to do to rent the place?" She said, give me a deposit. I said "okay".

We get posession June 1st, which means a bit of time with two abodes, but that's what we needed to do to get the place, and it's well worth it.

I just sent a note to our current landlords. That part is tough. They're really awesome and I hate to leave them. :( I was telling a friend that I felt like I was breaking up with someone. An actual quote from the email: "You guys have been wonderful landlords and we'll be sad to part ways, but hopefully we can still have a pint sometime..."

Anyway, yeah, so, um, wow. Plus, just wait until John sees the place! He'll be so excited! :P Yes, I have the most trusting partner in the world, it rocks.

* I spent my teen years obsessed with Billy Joel

Apparently, kids must not know sex exists

2008-04-20T18:52:00.001-04:00

So, at some point this week on Sounds Like Canada, a woman was interviewed who is trying to encourage her 14 year old daughter's school to find high security site-blocking software to block things like Facebook because she had found her daughter in her home office looking at porn in the middle of the night, and then found out that sometimes the kids access porn from the school, and sometimes through Facebook - I'm not clear how they're accessing porn through Facebook, but that's not the point.

I'm not interested in debating the merits of that. Although, I think being horrified that a 14 year old is accessing porn is pretty funny, because I know a hell of a lot of people who were accessing porn when we were 14, we were just didn't have the internet to do it, so we were doing it by sneaking peeks at the smut our parents kept, and sharing that with other friends so that we could experience a variety of it. But like I said, not the point of this post.

This post is in reaction to something that someone who called in to respond to the story said. This woman spoke about how she was horrified when she found out that her 14 year old son was watching porn, that she hated the idea that he was learning about sex from an industry that spends so much time objectifying and belittling women.

Ummmm. Lady? Ummmm. Maybe the answer to that conundrum might be to, I don't know, say, teach your kid about sex from you, so that if he looks at porn (and really, come on, teenage boy, he's lookin' at porn, I mean, teenage girl probably is too, but this is specifically about a guy.) he has it contextualized. It sure as hell sounded like her response to finding his porn was to work really hard to keep him from being in a place where he could access it, but it didn't involve any kind of information about sex.

I mean, really, wouldn't finding out that your kid is looking at porn present you with the *perfect* opportunity to talk to them about sex? To explain why you're uncomfortable with the porn industry and to explain the ins and outs (no pun intended) of sex? Also, uh, lady, your kid is 14 and you haven't talked to him about sex yet? I mean, come on lady, there's a good chance that he's already had sex by now.

What I'm saying is sometimes people ~~annoy~~ scare me.

holy comments batman!!!

2008-04-17T17:09:00.002-04:00

I have a post up on blogTO about the TTC strike.

Apparently if you post about something that people feel really passionatly you get A LOT of comments.

It's sitting at 56 right now.

a post that was supposed to go up yesterday...

2008-04-16T09:33:00.001-04:00

So, this was supposed to go up yesterday, but I didn't end up posting it, so, here it is today.

Last night [Monday night] John wiped the laptop for me. It’s really good ‘cause it was limping along and really needed to be cleaned up, reformatted, start from scratch. And he was awesome, he put everything back for me, right down to my IM program.

But, for some reason, which neither of us can figure out, it will no longer connect to the Jet Fuel WiFi network. No connection at all. I’ve tried restarting a couple times, I’ve tried disabling and re-enabling the network card, randomly futzing with settings, nothing is working. And it’s killing me. I’m writing this post offline and am sad thinking about the fact that I’m going to have to go home soon be connected (yes, the connection works at home) so that I can write my article. But really, I just want to stay here.

It’s amazing how dependent on an internet connection I am. First, I told a friend that I would find him online and we’d make plans, I told him I’d be online at noon, it is now one, so, not online, I’m virtually standing him up. Second, I have an article to write that I can’t even begin to write without the internet because I need to do some research before I can begin.

What a bloody strange thing to be this dependent on something. It’s quite unbelievable how cut off from the world I feel right now, even though I’m in a room full of people. Makes me feel kind of weird that I’m so reliant on technology.

Grrrrr.

So, I’ll finish this latte and be on my way I guess.

Oh, and before I forget, a shout out to Kate wishing her a very happy birthday. And, you know, in case I don’t post tomorrow, a shout out to Brice too. Happy birthday guys, I love you both muchly and wish you all the best.

An innovative pick-up line (scenario?)

2008-04-12T08:43:00.010-04:00

Well, he was persistent, I'll give him that much...

The other day I was heading out to get my haircut and while I was heading south on Spadina I heard someone trot up behind me and felt them tap me on the shoulder.

I turned my head to see who it was, I kind of assumed it was someone I knew, but instead I was met with the sight of a grinning stranger. A pretty cute, well-dressed, grinning stranger - not the kind of Toronto grinning stranger that I more often end up running into where you're pretty sure their meds aren't quite balanced properly, if present at all (god, our social support systems don't work – but that's a rant for another day).

Stranger – Do you mind if I ask you a question? It's a serious question, I really am curious.

Me – Uhhh, okay?

S – Why are you carrying two bags?

M – Oh. Well, one's my purse, and one's my laptop.

S – Doesn't that get heavy? Why don't you get something smaller, I just got a Mac Air, it's great, you should get one of those.

M – Well, sure, but this one works and is 7 years old, so by now it's free, so I'll stick to it for now.

I sort of smile, nod and turn away and keep walking. He keeps pace.

S – Can I ask you something else?

M – um. Sure.

S – What are you doing right now? (it wasn't until he asked this that it dawned on me what the hell was going on)

I'm always pretty bad at this part, the part where I realise there's a good chance I'm being hit on. I get kind of stammery, or I over-compensate by being really really aloof. I think in this one I went the aloof route.

I told him I was off to get my haircut, he said my hair looked good I shouldn't cut it. I told him it was 'cause I had a photo shoot the next day. He decided that meant I was famous. I assured him I wasn't.

This went on for a reasonable amount of time. He initially tapped my shoulder north of College, my hairdresser isn't until almost Dundas (sorry non-Toronto folks, that's a little over half a kilometer, not long on it's on, but a reasonable distance in the 'walking with a stranger' scheme of things...), so probably more than 5 minutes.

During our time together he talked about how much money he spends on art, he talked about his really expensive computer, he tugged on his expensive clothes to draw attention to them. It was like what he really wanted to say was “Hey, lady, guess what? I have money. Isn't that exciting. Doesn't that make you want to hang out with me?”

It, of course, had completely the opposite effect.

It made me feel kind of sorry for him actually, 'cause it felt a bit like he was insecure and thought that money was what he could bring to the table. In truth, he seemed pretty nice, was a good looking guy, and had the guts to walk up to a stranger and talk to them.

Makes me think that he probably has more going for him than he thinks he does. I probably would have found out more, except I was busy high-tailing it to my hairdresser and making sure I was leaving fast enough he couldn't ask me for my number.

Like I said, I'm really bad at these things...

red light camera controversy

2008-04-11T01:24:00.003-04:00

so, the fines for running a red light in toronto just went up to $500.

there are cameras at various intersections around town, if a car registered to you goes through a red light you get a ticket in the mail.

this has sparked a bit of a controversy. well, maybe a mini-controversy. okay, well, maybe not a controversy per se, but, um people care enough about it to comment on an article i wrote about it. that's kind of cool...

public typing

2008-04-04T12:35:00.002-04:00

so, i know some people who think it's really lame to be typing in public. i'm not sure what it is, if they feel like it looks conceited or something. but here's the truth, i have discovered the joys of typing in public.

in fact, right now, as i type this, i am sitting at a table in jet fuel, drinking a delicious latte listening to an eclectic mix of blues with undertones of other people's conversations.

i love it.

it's a way to get out of the house.

it's a way to have the energy of others around me without having to interact with people.

it's a way to do all of that without feeling bored, unconnected, or unproductive.

maybe people think when they see people in coffee shops typing away that they're all writers trying to create the next big novel, but it really isn't. it's people doing work. it's people doing homework, it's people chatting to friends through IM, it's people doing internet research, it's people writing blog entries, and no doubt, it's also people watching or reading porn. and yes, probably people trying to write the next great novel too.

not really a point to this entry, other than, you know, uh, well, yay wifi and lattes!

this is a kind of funny April Fool's thing

2008-04-01T19:30:00.001-04:00

Virgle - bringing a human colony to Mars

is the news about Air Farce a joke?

2008-04-01T13:27:00.002-04:00

So, it's the poisson d'avril, or, as it is also known, April Fool's day.

CBC usually has some good April Fool's jokes. The one that always seems to stand out in people's mind is the As It Happens piece on Sheila Copps announcing that the clock on the top of the Peace Tower is going to be replaced with a digital clock.

So, today I clicked my way over to www.cbc.ca to see what they might have up in way of practical jokes. What caught my eye was the story telling us that the Royal Canadian Air Farce is ending.

I have no idea whether this is a hoax, or if it is real. When I asked Kate if she thought it was a hoax she said "I hope not", because, well, here's the truth, Air Farce, not so funny anymore. Don't get me wrong, I loved Air Farce when it was on the radio. Made a point of listening to it ever weekend. But once it moved to television, it really lost it's appeal for me.

I'm not sure what it was. I think it got a bit less edgier when it moved to television, it lost some of it's zing. Or, who knows, maybe it has nothing to do with the move to television, maybe it's just one of those things where if a show has been going on long enough it's going to peter out at some point. Who knows.

If it's true then I'm sure there will be uproar about the end of a venerable Canadian institution, but the truth is, I'm with Kate on this one, I think it might be time for Air Farce to be put to rest, it jumped the shark long ago.

maybe there isn't a post about orgasms after all

2008-03-28T21:02:00.002-04:00

dunno folks. i know i promised you a post about orgasms, but apparently there is no orgasm information to post.

i mean. they're fun. but that's not news. they can be messy, also not news. if you're lucky they're multiple, again, not news.

so, i don't really know what i can bring to the orgasm discussion that isn't already plastered all over the internet.

oh, wait, i know one thing i can tell you about orgasms, i found a porn website that is one of the most beautiful things in the world. it's called beautiful agony and is all shots of people having orgasms, from the shoulder up, mostly wearing clothes, but the ones that aren't, all you can see is the top of their shoulders. it is arousing, AND one of the most beautiful thing i've ever seen. of course, it's a pay site, but it's one of the only pay porn sites i've ever seen that i think i'd be okay with paying for.

there, look, it was about orgasms afterall!!!

dully mcdullerson

2008-03-25T20:44:00.002-04:00

Okay, so, here's the thing... It would appear if you're on leave from work not much happens in your life. Subsequently, not much happens with your blog. And really, all the more reason for the CBC to randomly seek me out to work there...

In the meantime maybe I'll poke around on the interweb to find something interesting to spout off about...

Hmmm. Nope. Nothing to write about. Apparently the internet is boring.

I mean, I'd write about the budget (Ontario provincial budget), but unless I'm only speaking to the policy wonk demographic of my blog (which I suspect is a fairly small percentage of my already very small readership) then probably everyone would fall asleep.

In a related but more spirited vein I could talk about how Jim Flaherty is a goon, but really, it's been said so many times in so many different ways, what new angle could I bring to the discussion?

So, instead I'm gonna go have a bath. it seems like the appropriate thing to do.

Maybe tomorrow I'll come up with an orgasm related post, those are always fun (the posts, not the orgasms, well, actually, the orgasms too, but in this specific case I was referring to . . . oh hell, you know what I mean!)

P.S. I seem to have lost two cell phones in the last two weeks, if anyone happens to come upon them please return them to me forthwith (after you've washed them off of course...)

Career aspirations

2008-03-24T13:53:00.001-04:00

I've decided I would like to work for CBC radio.

*phew* There. That's done. I've announced it.

Now I just have to wait for the CBC to randomly call me up and offer me a job (well, actually, email me, I'm not so good with the phone...)

Barack Obama: 'A More Perfect Union' (Full Speech)

2008-03-19T17:16:00.003-04:00

okay, i gotta say this - i love this man. i almost feel like if he got elected i have hope that maybe the states won't implode after all. maybe...

Also, i really really love this blog post on it. It's on Daily Kos, and I found it via a commenter on Nunc Sico

**UPDATE**

i think i'm going to actually write about another part of this, prompted by a discussion with a friend.

first, before anything else, you should know that apparently he wrote the speech himself - basically unheard of in politics. that's part of why it's so amazing.

second, i can't help thinking to myself "god i hope no one kills him", because, yeah, that seems to be the thing to do with people who are impassioned and influential.

i don't attribute any god-like qualities to him, but i do think he's an amazing man. i think it takes an amazing man to stand up and say those things when one of the first thing people think after is 'god i hope no one kills him', 'cause, lets be realistic here - there's no way he hasn't thought of that. i also think that he's smart, articulate and engaging, but not blaming, which gives him a shot at being heard.

my friend said that the states are already imploding, and i agree, the implosion has started, but i do think that this gives a glimmer of hope. if nothing else the way people have reacted to him gives a glimmer of hope.

i am certainly not naive enough to think that he's going to be able to effect big policy changes or shifts while he's in gov't, even if he manages to get elected, twice. 8 years in the world of politics is nothing (well, sort of, i guess bush did some impressive damage in 8 years, but destroying is easier and faster than healing i think). plus, he'll be completely mired in the political system. he'll be hamstrung and won't be able to effect change.

but... i do think he has a chance at effecting a change in thinking. igniting ideas that will inspire people to push for the policy change as the years go by. i feel like he has a chance at starting some momentum in a vaguely positive direction.

there is not enough of anything in this world to make me want to switch places with him, and there is a reasonable chance that he's going to give his life for this, either by being killed, or by self-destructing, i think he's an amazing man. and, his passion made me weep (although, to be fair, there's some of that which may be depression, but i don't know, i think it was actually being moved...)

Song of the Count

2008-03-17T06:23:00.002-04:00

I thought I was going to pee myself...

Thanks to my BIL Al for pointing this out.

etymology question

2008-03-12T10:34:00.001-04:00

does anyone know if hamburgers used to be made from pork? or are they from hamburg? i found myself wondering this today. and yes, i am actually asking this question, this isn't one of those oh-so-clever musing things like 'why is it we park on a driveway, and drive on a parkway', i really do want to know, did it used to be made with ham?

uh huh, i'm gonna talk about the snow...

2008-03-10T21:06:00.004-04:00

i know that talking about the snow is getting pretty old but...

there is something about the snow that i'm loving. there's something about a huge dump of snow resulting in everyone being immobile that bonds folks.

all of a sudden neighbours are talking to neighbours as they shovel together for the 5th time in two days. random strangers are helping people dig out their cars. every walk down the street is an opportunity to help someone out - today it was my brother and me pushing a cab out of a snow bank.

somehow, as frustrated as people are, the snow is making us smile at each other more. it's giving us that 'we're all in this together' feeling. i've heard that toronto was kind of like that during the black out of 2003 (i was in guelph at the time...).

i guess we bond in strife. suddenly the practiced art of not seeing doesn't exist anymore.

it's pretty cool.

P.S. Crank is a really gross movie. I don't really reccomend watching it. -- okay, I'm updating this, it's actually pretty funny in a campy kind of way as long as you just don't look at the gore bits...

apparently he's not that particular...

2008-03-04T20:15:00.002-05:00

We have a cat (Oliver) who loves to sit on the couch behind John and 'clean his hair'. He grooms John for as long as John will let him. It's not *that* unusual a thing for a cat to do, but usually it seems to be just with people they're close to (you know, in that cat way).

But not today. Today my friend Ger was over for a bit today on his way to a class. We sat down on the couch, me in my usual end of the couch and Ger on the end John usually sits on. As we randomly pass the time, all of a sudden Oliver starts to groom Ger's hair.

So, apparently it has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that it's his 'dad' that he's grooming, it actually just has to do with whoever is sitting there.

Ahh, yes, my cat the slut - makes me bloody proud! (personally, I'm a big fan of sluts)

gone baby gone, the love is gone away....

2008-03-02T08:46:00.002-05:00

ah, see, now, did I intrigue you with the title?

don't worry, no love has left, i just have the Femmes in my head and I didn't have a titled, so, voila!

Unfortunately, a title is not all I'm missing. I'm also missing a blog topic. Something to write about would be good...

Okay, well, I was trying to avoid the whole depression update thing 'cause it's getting pretty boring, but this time it's good news at least... They seem to have finally hit on the right meds. I am actually feeling a difference. For the first time in ages I can actually believe (as opposed to just tell myself over and over again) that I will get better, that I will be me again.

I'm already very me given the right circumstances. Soon I'll be me, no matter what the circumstances are. It's a huge relief.

Okay, enough of that...

So, two men walk into a bar, would have thought the second one would notice. (budumcha)

Geeze. Seriously? I have nothing interesting to say? That seems unlike me. But apparently it is the case.

Ah well, I'll leave you be then. Until next time...

forced interactions...

2008-02-26T17:01:00.003-05:00

Have you ever been in a situation where you really want to interact with someone, but they're not responsive?

There's this guy who was one of my best friends for several years in high school. For some reason I'm dying to connect with him again. So, facebook came into play and now we email occasionally.

He lives in North Bay, so I can't very well say 'hey, lets go for a pint', which is, of course, the easiest way of doing things.

The challenge here is that he's never been very good at the whole written communication thing, and I think actually that it kind of annoys him, although he hasn't said so. So, it's possible that the non-responsive is just, well, the hating email. But of course, for some reason, the more he doesn't respond the more I want to email him. The more I want to tell him all sorts of stuff that he may very well not give a shit about.

I was talking to Paddy about why I am so desperate to connect with him again. I'm really not sure what it is. But if I were to take a guess, I would have to say that it's probably that when he was one of my best friends I was pretty brutally depressed, and talking to him and stuff offered me some respite from it. It brought some much longed-for joy in my life. So, if I were to guess, I would guess that the sudden need to reconnect has something to do with the whole depressed thing - you know, seeking out the familiar.

Anyway, I'm sure by the time I'm no longer depressed anymore he'll think I'm a very crazy woman who is stalking him from a-far. I'm not. I have no idea what's in his garbage. Nor do I know what time he leaves the house. ;) (or, you know, his address, his phone number, what he looks like these days, wow. I make for a bad stalker...)

And of course we all know he's *crazy* to not leap at the chance of being friends with me again, because, well, really, who's a better friend than me?!? I get depressed, I cry on the phone, I write long mournful emails. Who wouldn't want that in their life? ;)

Kissy kissy...

2008-02-25T20:12:00.003-05:00

Paddy and I were having an IM conversation yesterday about first kisses. First ever kisses, not first kisses in a relationship.

We were talking about what we were thinking when we had our first kiss.

I was in grade 8.

I remember thinking:
- wow, I can't believe that someone's tongue can make my knees feel so much like jelly;
- gee I hope his mum doesn't find us here in the laundry room; and
- I wonder if he can tell I've never kissed anyone before.

Do you guys remember what you were thinking during your first kiss?

And now for something completely different...

I love Nicole Stamp. I spent the afternoon with her today and she rocks, seriously rocks, yay Nicole!

nope, me neither...

2008-02-24T14:54:00.004-05:00

For the record, I don't know what John is doing to make me make this face either...

Did someone say chocolate cake?!?!!?

2008-02-23T20:59:00.003-05:00

If you're like me you like freshly baked chocolate cake, but find all that pesky measuring of milk and counting of eggs when making a cake mix tedious and ire evoking*...

Well, I have the answer for you!

Cake mix made with silken tofu.

I know, sounds strange, but it's delicious, moist, and means that it has the added bonus of having some protein too.

So, here's how it works. Buy a cake mix (the kind that says it has pudding if possible, that makes it better). Buy some silken tofu.

Completely ignore the directions on the box of the cake mix. Mix the tofu and cake mix together (it gets a bit pasty) and put it into a cake pan of some sort.

Bake according to the box directions (so, I guess don't completely ignore the directions...).

It's yummy. Mmmmmm, chocolate cake.

*This statement may be a slight exaggeration of actual responses to this activity

Hypothetical Awkward Situations

2008-02-20T17:26:00.003-05:00

Okay, so imagine for a moment that you are naked in a public place. Naked in a place where you're expected to be naked, like, say, the change room at the gym, or a big water spa, you know, that kind of thing.

Now, lets imagine that someone you know, a dear friend, walks in. This is someone you always hug and often kiss hello and good-bye.

But now you're both naked.

What do you do?

The Psychiatric Day Hospital in Review...

2008-02-18T22:38:00.001-05:00

So, I guess it’s time for an update on the hospital stuff, and the depression stuff.

Hard to pin down how I’m feeling and what’s been going on. I guess first I’ll tell you what it’s like.

I show up at 9, then we have group sessions, kind of seminars, but honestly, not that educational, mostly I think they’re just to pass the time. During the sessions people are pulled out to see their nurse and doctor and discuss progress and status of meds and so on. Two sessions in the morning, an hour of lunch, one more session, then head home at 2pm.

It doesn’t sound like much, but god, does it ever wipe me out. And it’s bloody hard for me to make myself go. And, well, it’s just bloody hard.

Hard to explain what is so hard about it. It’s a variety of things. The first thing that’s hard is the getting up and leaving the house, going out in public thing. Then there is the being in a room full of people thing. Then there is the having to interact with said people. And there is the fact that there’s no quick escape, I’m at least half an hour from home, from what feels like safety, when I’m in that room.

The end result is complete exhaustion by 2 pm. So exhausted I can’t do anything, not even email – when I can’t do email you know I’m tired.

The good side is, well, all the scary things – the fact that it gets me out of the house, the fact that it gives me practice being around and interacting with people, the fact that it pushes my boundaries so that I can see that I will in fact live through being outside of my safe zone.

The other really good side, in a very practical way, is that there are medical professionals to monitor my progress and my meds. It means that I don’t have to try and determine those things on my own in my inability to make decisions and inability to trust my own judgement. I have someone else, someone who’s not depressed, to watch that for me.

Also, I think that things are improving. I don’t know that for sure, because it seems that when I’m feeling a bit better I end up slamming back down and crying my way through the rest of the day. Friday was a particularly bad day. But I do seem to, I don’t know, seem to have a bit more hope or something.

All that said, I am of course, terrified of going in tomorrow morning, of going in for the rest of the week, and for the week after that, and the week after that…

Toronto-centric post... Dancing Queen

2008-02-15T20:09:00.003-05:00

Okay. So, where does one go in this bloody city if they want to dance.

Just dance. Writhe around with other sweaty bodies, loose yourself in the music and dancing. I'm talking about a place where you go in your jeans and a pair of runners so that you can dance your ass off. A place that isn't about cruising or being cruised. That isn't about finding a tasty piece of ass to bring home and fuck 'til the cows come home. A place where you can be anonymous and just dance, but still be dancing in a room with other folks.

In an ideal world this would be a place that played music with good real beats and not just thumpa thumpa music, but honestly, I'd be okay with thumpa thumpa if I could just dance in peace.

I want to writhe and wriggle in the company of others without having to interact with them. Weird, I know, but, well, I'm a weird chick...

So, where do I do that in this city? Surely there should be a place. Suggestions? And does anyone want to go dancing (in jeans and runners...)

blog blog blog blog, blog blog blog blog, blog! blog! blog!

2008-02-12T19:37:00.000-05:00

Not sure what to write, can you tell from the title? For the record I sung that out loud to get the commas and periods in the right place.

See, here's the thing. I have depression updates, but they're not positive, and I have to admit, I'm kind of starting to feel like I'm whining here. So, I don't really want to write about the depression stuff. But then, the depression stuff is the all encompassing thing in my life right now. Everything I do is somehow intrinsically linked to my depression. For example, yesterday for whatever reason I couldn't go downstairs. I literally couldn't bring myself to go downstairs. I didn't eat until John came home at 6pm and brought me downstairs, then I had breakfast. So, you know, where's the interesting in that? It's just blah blah blah blah.

So, uh, well, that leaves us with, well, not much. Because the next thing I want to say is I start at the hospital tomorrow and I'm scared shitless. Again, depression.

I have no non-depression news to impart.

In fact, these days I avoid the news news, so I can't even comment on that...

So, uh, yeah, I guess I'll just go back to doing nothing interesting at all.

Enjoy your day...

The Problem With Euphemisms

2008-02-11T12:08:00.000-05:00

Last night before bed John looked at me and said “You have your friend?”

I looked around me, assuming that he meant that one of the cats. Seeing no cats I turned my head towards him and articulately stated “huh?”

“Your Aunt Flow is here to visit?”

“Huh?”

“Your period. Do you have your period?”

“Ohhhhhh. Yeah. Yeah. I do.”

He had noticed that I was wearing underwear to bed, and through his mighty powers of deductive reasoning he realized I must have my period. And through our excellent relationship-building communications I had no clue what he was saying…

Depression Update 800 Million and 1

2008-02-06T14:36:00.000-05:00

Some of you may have already recieved this in email form...

My GP had put me in for an 'urgent care' referral for an assessment by a specialist. I finally had the appointment today (I wonder how long not 'urgent care' takes).

The upshot of the appointment is that there has been some, but not much, progress on the new meds, but that it is good that it is working, even if it's not doing the full job. So, he's changed some more stuff and ordered some more tests and we'll see what happens from there.

The major development of today's appointment though is that the specialist feels that I should be in the hospital. He said that I can do it through a day program, so that I still have evenings at home and I can still sleep at home, which is a bit of a relief. I'm still not entirely sure how it works or what it means, basically it's 10-3 every day at the hospital. Beyond that, I'm not really sure.

I'm also not sure when it will happen, as they have to put in a requisition and find a space, but he suspects I'll be able to get in somewhere next week or the week after.

I asked him if he thought I was ever going to get through this, he said that given my history, given how long I managed to stay functional between depressive episodes, and even long into this one, that he was quite confident that I would get through this at some point. He did say that I have to recognize that this is a really severe episode, and although we might magically hit on something, like my thyroid meds haven't been working or something, that will turn things around, he did seem to indicate that I need to realize that this will take time, perhaps far more time than it ever has in the past, just given the nature of the severity.

I guess the bottom line is, I'm still here, I'm still surviving, I'm still full of unknowns, but it was good to hear from someone who specializes in depression that he really does feel like I'll be able to get out of this one.

Depression update 800 million...

2008-02-04T19:29:00.000-05:00

Okay, so, on the depression front (because I know you're all dying to hear about my trials and tribulations) things are not great but there is progress.

The thing I'm currently struggling with the most is that my therapist today said she thinks I need to take an extended leave from work. She was saying that I should think about going onto long term disability for a while.

We didn't talk about timing specifically.

I am very torn on the subject. I have an over-inflated sense of responsiblity. Not going to work makes me feel weak and irresponsible and, well, if I were being honest, a bit worthless. Basically it makes me feel like a disappointment.

On the other hand, I recognize that I am no where near better, and I need time to heal, and that's not going to happen while I'm working, or it's going to be a much longer and more painful process. The truth is, this may be exactly what I need.

John pointed out that my workplace is willing to make an investment in people, be it in healing or training, so that they can benefit from a stronger person in the future. And I think I've come to the decision that this is probably something I need to do.

The truth is I can't go to work until I've been 100% for a while, I'm figuring at least two weeks. Because no matter when I go back to work it's going to knock me back. So, if I go back to work when I'm at 70%, and it knocks me back by 30% I'll end up at 40% - not a managable percentage in terms of functioning. On the other hand, if I go back at a solid 100% and it knocks me back 30% it leaves me at 70%, which is a managable level for life and work.

When I explained this to John, with percentages and all, he said to me "yeah, 'cause you're not an analyst at all..." which will only be funny for the analysts in the crowd, but it made me giggle.

I figure right now I'm at 40%. It might not sound like much, but it's a vast improvement on the 0% can't function can't get out of bed, can't feed myself stage.

It's been an interesting progression. First, anxious and in hell at all times. Then anxious and in hell only mostly when I was out of the house, or thinking about leaving the house. Now anxious and in hell mostly only when I'm out alone - if John is with me I'm mostly okay.

It still sounds pretty pathetic, but it's a huge improvement, and a huge accomplishment.

So, John and I have talked this thing backwards and forwards tonight. We seem to have come to the conclusion that probably 6 months is what I need. Not 6 more months, 6 months in total. I'm already through 1 month. I have an appointment with a psychiatrist on Wednesday, so I'll discuss it with them.

I feel like it's really hard having things open ended. So, we were talking about 6 months as a time period that gets me to the point of being okay enough to actually do some work, on me, and on my dyslexia and all that stuff. The idea is that I talk to my doctor and get documentation that says something to the effect of "This patient is on medical leave until further notice (which is what my current note says) and will be reassessed on a regular basis, with an anticpated tentative return to work on April 28, 2008"

That way I have a target date, I have something to work towards, and most of all I know that I'm not leaving my work with not knowing what to expect. They will know an approximate return date and be able to plan accordingly. Plus, if I'm ready and able before that there is no reason why I can't return to work earlier with my doctor's permission.

I can't tell you how hard it is for me to come to that decision. It goes against every fiber of my being to not go to work, it feels irresponsible and weak, and it feels like I'm a quitter.

My therapist pointed out (completely correctly) that she thinks probably I'm worried that people will think I'm a slacker and taking advantage of the system and stuff like that, that I'm cheating the system, you know, like getting EI and working under the table somewhere instead of actually looking for a job. She then said "Megan, the truth is, people know you, they know who you are and what your values are and they know that you would never do that".

It's nice that she has so much faith, but I'm not sure if that's really the case. Who knows.

Anyway, I should stop now before writing a full novel, but that's where I'm at right now. It's kind of wrenching my guts in all kinds of directions, which isn't very fun, but also kind of par for the course.
________________________________

Update: When I wrote this (an hour ago?) I felt relatively sure of this decision. Now the above mentioned gut wrenching has stirred things up enough that I'm just not sure. What I do know is that I'm not well now, and that it's going to take more than a month to make things right, but maybe I should talk about being reassessed in 2 months. If I make the optimistic assumption of a 10% increase in well-being then I need 6 more weeks to get to my 100%, and then two weeks to make sure I'm still holding at 100% and it's not a fluke. Then the two weeks after that offer a bit of wiggle room.

Of course this all hinges on a linear improvement of 10% per week, who knows if that will happen. Or, you know, 0% one week, 20% another, that kind of thing. Don't worry, it all makes sense in my head.

I guess the key is that I need to find a way to give myself permission to be away for as long as I need to be away, maybe I don't set a time for it right now, maybe I set time intervals. Maybe 6 week intervals are good. Oh who the hell knows. I feel pretty incapable of knowing anything right now, or making any decisions...

Sooo much Buffy

2008-02-03T21:15:00.000-05:00

I' ve watched so much Buffy in the last week or two that it's coming out my ears.

It's a bit like an addiction. I want to stop. To do something other than watch the television. But I can't. I just have to watch the next episode. And the next. And the next. And the next...

Cold feet...

2008-02-02T13:38:00.000-05:00

Apparently my fully waterproof boots aren't so fully waterproof anymore. In fact, perhaps I could just go out wearing towels on my feet and achieve the same effect...

Oh well, bygones.

I'm now at home sipping tea and listening to Tom Waits while John naps.

Also, since I would be remiss if I didn't do a depression update - As I said before, I think I'm feeling a bit better, but I'm wary, not sure how much I trust it. That said, John and I were out today for over three hours and I wasn't anxious for a minute of it. That's HUGE improvement.

So, we'll see if I go to the Weakerthans tonight or not, it's going to depend on what kind of fluid level I think my feet can take, since the concert is outside in the slush/puddles.

good times, but for real this time...

2008-01-31T08:58:00.000-05:00

So, last night I went out and pretended like I wasn't depressed. It was good.

It was hard to go, I was anxious leaving the house (and it was bloody cold and windy, which makes staying home seem appealing). It was a bit difficult at first, but as the evening wore on I relaxed into it a bit. I'm sure that has something to do with the cider too, but still, it was nice.

So, I kind of felt normal for a while.

Although, when John told me that the bill was $200 for the four of us I nearly fell off my chair (figuratively, we were in a cab at the time, no chairs to fall out of) because I'd forgotten that included 4 meals and thought it was just the drinks for the 4 of us. I mean, I knew we'd had a lot to drink, but I didn't think we'd had *that* much, but then, I also wouldn't put it past us...

And on the birthday front, well, it was a good one. John came home carrying several bunches of flowers, which was really nice, and Brice and Courtney gave me a rude card, which was expecte, well, expected from Brice anyway... ;)

Segregated School in Toronto is a go

2008-01-30T15:42:00.000-05:00

Okay, so last night the Toronto School Board voted in favour of opening an "Afrocentric School".

I probably shouldn't be writing about this, because I really don't have all the facts, so take what I say with a grain of salt, but...

It's my understanding that this will be a black only school. Which is segregation, no?

I think I would be okay with an 'Afrocentric School' if it were the same way as any other high school that has an area of specialization. A school that specializes in the arts. A school that specializes in science stuff. That kind of thing. A school where anyone can go, but there is a lot of programing offered in a specific area.

I might be way off, maybe this will be wide open to everyone, but that's not what it sounds like. It sounds like it will only hire black teachers (not sure if that's even allowed, and why would it matter for, say algebra, what the racial experience of the teacher has been?), and it sounds like it will only have black students.

How is this empowering?

All this does is sets people apart, makes people different, isn't that the fear that racism is based on?

Maybe if I were black I'd feel differently. Maybe if I were a parent I'd feel differently. Maybe if I were a teacher I'd feel differently. Maybe if I were a school board trustee I'd feel differently. The truth is I am not someone who falls under the label of 'key stakeholders' for this issue in any way. I am actually completely removed from the issue.

But, well, I don't know, it just doesn't feel right. My gut tells me this is a bad idea. I usually trust my gut.

Birthday

2008-01-29T11:38:00.000-05:00

Well, Jo pointed out the birthday thing, so I think I'll run with it.

Tomorrow is my birthday marking my 32 years on this, the only planet we know of that sustains life, earth. (Just so you know, you would have to be a really really big geek to get that reference, and specifically a geek in Ontario).

So, I'm thinking of doing something about it.

I'm thinking of going somewhere to drink with friends.

I'm thinking the Red Lion on Jarvis.

Who's in?

No, seriously, I'm thinking I'd like to spend a night pretending I'm not depressed and go out and celebrate my birthday over a couple of pints.

If you think you're going to come then let me know, 'cause I'll know how big a table to save.

So, 7ish, The Red Lion on Jarvis, just a bit south of Maitland.

There is one caveat that goes along with this. In the unlikely event that I find it too overwhelming or something because of my very annoying depressive state I may not be able to play anymore and may have to bugger off. In which case I know you'll all have fun playing with yourselves. (budumcha!)

So, come lets drink and flirt and be merry!

I wish there was something else I could write about...

2008-01-28T21:36:00.000-05:00

Pretty sick of rehashing the depression thing.

Wish there was something else I could talk about.

Something that's a bit less of a downer.

So, perhaps I will just let you know that I really enjoyed Juno. It's a great movie.

Today I had a shower...

2008-01-25T11:57:00.000-05:00

Since I seem to be using this blog to somewhat chronical my little achievements, I thought perhaps today I should tell you I had a shower, all by my lonesome.

I know, doesn't sound like much (other than a relief to those who must be near me), but the truth is, this is one counts as an achievement in depressed-world. I didn't wait until I couldn't stand it anymore, I didn't just wash my hair and hope no one would notice, I actually stepped into the shower and let the water rain down upon me.

Depression is a strange beast. I know I've said it many times before, and no doubt I'll say it many times again, but, well, it's true, it's a strange beast.

Sometimes I feel a bit like I'm under house arrest, only instead of a metal bracelet around my ankle I have anxiety and depression to keep me inside.

It's hard to describe, because you would think that you would have free will and be able to say 'fuck you depression, fuck you anxiety' but nope, no free will.

Yesterday I got in the car to go buy yarn (I've taught myself to knit, only one standard stitch, and I'm not doing anything fancy, but it passes the time). Seems simple enough, right? Leave house. Get in car. Drive to store. Park car. Go in store. Find yarn. Pay for yarn. Get in car. Drive home.

Only what actually happened was: Leave house. Get in car. Drive... around the block. Park car. Go back into house.

Good times.

Because it isn't truly a depressive episode until I've done something to my hair...

2008-01-23T16:47:00.001-05:00

These all are pretty similar, 'cause, well, there's only so much you can do when you're taking your own picture...

And a kiss to end it with for all you out in blogland.

music is a wonderful thing

2008-01-19T20:12:00.000-05:00

i'm sitting here, listening to music, not even sure what it is, but it's bluesy with a lot of soul and as I rock back and forth in time to the music I realise it's making me feel good.

Music is magical.

I'm even thinking about going out tonight to see some live music. Not sure where I'll go, or even what's playing, and, lets be frank, it's likley not going to happen, but it's a huge step that I'm even thinking of something like that.

I've been listening to a lot of Tom Waits lately, which is perfect, but probably it's time to switch to a bit more upbeat...

Being home alone everyday is making me restless. I find myself wishing that I had something to do, but of course, the idea of leaving the house makes me frantic. bit of a catch 22 there.

On Wednesday night I went to a show, and then went out for drinks with people from university afterwards. It was amazing to feel like a normal person again, even if it only was for one night. But it was a strange set of events that made it all okay. It happened on the spur of the moment, I spent most of my time talking to new people, people with no previous experience of me, so I didn't even think about whether or not I was me.

Oh well, it was a good lesson that I can still do things.

not sure what to write...

2008-01-15T15:29:00.000-05:00

when I first started journaling 800 million years ago, one of the things that someone (therapist? helpful friend? book?) told me was if you can't think of what to write, just write "I don't know what to write" over and over again. The idea was that you would journal for a set minimum amount of time per day, so if need be you could write "I don't know what to write" for fifteen minutes.

It works. The most I've ever written it was five times.

Anyway, don't worry, I'm not going to do that to you here in blog land. Even though, really, I don't know what to write.

There's not a lot to update you on in the depression front. Although, I have made the decision (thanks to some prodding by several people, including my therapist) that I will take the full six weeks to heal and not risk putting myself forward earlier.

Every time I think maybe the meds are kicking in something happens that makes me think 'oh, maybe not'. It's weird. Most of the time I feel enveloped by depression, but sometimes it seems to retreat, to come in waves instead of acting like a shroud. Who know. It's a weird fucking disease.

I'm hoping that I have some time to actually recuperate before I go back to work. What I'm doing right now sure as hell doesn't feel like a rest, it feel more like a "doing what I must to stay alive".

I have been journaling (you know, pen to paper) in a place up the street called Jet Fuel. It's a great place, it's kind of one of those 'so hip it hurts' kind of places, but good god, they have the best latte I have ever had, and it's served in a pint glass. And it's only $3. So, yeah, I can force myself past the fact that I stick out like a sore thumb in a place that is so hip it hurts so that I can indulge in that divine latte. Not the point of this paragraph... No, the point of this paragraph is that I've been journaling on real paper, which is probably why my posts here slowed down a tiny bit.

Which, really, is just as well, because there's only so much ramblings of depressed lady a reader can take. So, now it will be *slightly* more selective ramblings of a depressed lady. ;)

Depression update - end of first week

2008-01-13T17:56:00.000-05:00

Just thought I'd send you an update on the end of week one.

Bottom line is I'm still in hell. It's reasonable that the meds haven't kicked in yet, it's only been a week, it's usually a couple weeks before you see an effect, but dammit it's been a long week.

I had one day this week when I didn't cry all day, that was good, it gave me a bit of hope.

The rest of the week has been pretty tough. It's hard to describe what this is, it's one of those things that I think unless you've been depressed you can never really know, because, well, it just doesn't make sense. It's so outside of our normal concept of things. People think it's just feeling really sad. It's so not. It's feeling really worthless, hopeless, a waste of space, like nothing is ever going to change, like every single thing you do is wrong, like you live your life with this dark mist clouding you, all these things that you're supposed to be able to control, but you can't. Not one bit. No matter how much you logically tell yourself that you are not a waste of space, you can't internalize it. It seems so strange that a cocktail of chemicals in your brain can control these things. That an imbalance of the those chemicals can make you hate yourself and your life. It's weird because it's intangible. It's weird because it's not like if you break your arm and there you go, you can see the broken bone, or like with my hypothyroid stuff, I'm hypothyroid, so I can see stuff like really dry skin. For some reason physical symptoms make sense, emotional ones don't. And I know that all of these things make some sort of sense to me when I'm depressed. But right now, right now nothing really makes sense.

It's also hard on John, I can tell. He's not doing so well, it's hard living with a depressed person. I mean, he's okay, he can handle it, it's not something to worry about, but I can't help feeling kind of bad. And I try to not let him see how I'm feeling because I can see in his eyes how much he wants to be able to help, how much he wants to be able to fix it, and it's really hard for him that there is nothing he can do other that be there. And I know that feeling, I know it well. I have many a time in my life been the non-depressed person trying to be there for the depressed person. And I know from being in that role that it doesn't carry any resentment or upset, or feelings of wishing I wasn't in that position. But I can't seem to help feeling guilty that I have put John in this position.

On the plus side I seem to be eating again (without being cajoled into it). There was over a week where I just wasn't eating, I'd force stuff down because I would feel light-headed, but I wouldn't eat like a normal person. I do seem to be eating again. Partially I think because my mum went grocery shopping for me so that I would have easy food around (a bbq chicken, ham, lots of fruit, stuff like that).

As I mentioned, my doctor seemed to indicate that it might take six weeks, maybe even more, before I went back to work. I thought staying away that long was inconceivable, but I have to say, given how this past week has gone, I'm not sure, maybe not so inconceivable after all. I'm worried that I will go back to work too early. It's not the feeling beholden to work and feeling bad about missing it (well, okay, it's a bit about that...), it's about wanting all of this to be over. Wanting things to be normal. If I'm going to work then I must be better. It would be the same as the ignoring my depression that I did leading up to my breakdown - desperate to fool myself into everything being okay.

My dad thinks I should just say here and now that I'm not coming back for six weeks, then I won't have the opportunity to push myself to go to work earlier.

The thing is logically I know that's probably the right thing to do. But, well, I don't know what the but is. I think somewhere I feel like if I can't do this quickly then I'm a failure. I know, it's about the stupidest thing on the planet. And no doubt it is fueled mostly by my depression. And I guess I should ignore it and tell myself six weeks. If I have some miracle recovery I can always go back to work early.

One thing that is hanging over my head right now is 'what if the meds don't work'. It's a scary prospect because if they don't then we have to ween me off my current meds, then slowly build me up on new ones, which means a good chunk of time without meds in my system, and if this is me with meds in my system... Anyway, I know I shouldn't worry about that now. That's a discussion I'll have with my doctor Thursday, because, well, if the meds haven't started working to some extent by Thursday, I suspect that's the route we have to go. My mum suggested if they do that maybe I could be institutionalized for that part. I'm not if she was joking or not. I think she wasn't sure if she was joking or not.

Anyway, tomorrow morning I have more therapy, we'll see how that goes.

I will be back to myself at some point, I promise. I'm pretty hard to recognize these days, but it will come.

random stuff

2008-01-10T09:00:00.000-05:00

Okay, back to not sleeping, so my brain is a bit fuzzy.

I've integrated some people back into my life. Hung out with my mum yesterday, hanging out with my dad today.

Who knows, maybe next week I'll be up to seeing people I'm not related to.

I do feel like I will get through this. I mean, I'm not as convinced as I'd like that it won't be like this forever, but I am no longer completely emotionally convinced it will be like this forever.

The doctor intimated that I might be off work for six weeks. That terrifies me. I was thinking two. The problem is going back too soon can set you back. I get the sense that she wants to wait until we *really* know about the meds, which is 4-6 weeks.

Maybe in there I'll start feeling human enough to find a way to enjoy that time away and recharge and refresh.

We'll see. Right now it feels like I'm on the worst vacation ever, filled with anxiety and the inability to leave the house. Maybe by the last week it will truly feel like a week off, an actual break, as opposed to the thing I needed to do to survive...

A promise that will help with the recovery of my depression...

2008-01-08T17:12:00.001-05:00

One thing that I have a tendancy to do when I'm depressed is to hibernate. Lock myself in the house, never leave. Not bother with getting dressed or showered or anything. Never leaving the house.

So, I'm making a committment that for as long as I am staying home from work because of my depression (my current guess is this week and next) I am going to leave the house, actually leave, not just step outside, leave, at least once a day.

Going out is hard, and sometimes there is a price to pay. Yesterday I went out for three hours and pretended to be normal. That used up all my energy and so I came home and cried for three hours. But the truth is, it's worse if I don't go out. It's worse because I end up in a cycle of beating myself up, and I detach myself even more from the rest of the world. So, even if it's just to go have breakfast or a coffee, I'm going to get out of the house at least once a day.

Today I took myself to this amazing water spa place that I've been meaning to try for ever. It's only $35 on Tuesdays, so it seemed pefect. Basically you languish in a dead sea salt water pool, and a green tea pool, while sipping delicious smoothie type drinks, and occassionally slipping into the eucalyptus infused steam room or the sauna. Honestly, the place is worth it for the showers alone. they are AMAZING. They're the sunflower head rain showers, but like nothing I've ever experienced before. And you don't have to bring a thing. They supply divine body wash, shampoo, conditioner, a robe, flip flops, towel, body cream, face cream, and so on and so on. You literally could go there on a whim. It's a woman's only place. Half the people wear bathing suits, the other half doesn't. It was worth every penny. Oh, in case you're a woman in Toronto and you want to check it out you can find it at Body Blitz.

It was bloody hard getting there, but I'm glad I went. I actually almost forgot I was depressed for a bit there. I laughed with the other women as we tried to will ourselves into the cold dunking pool. I didn't spend the time beating myself up, just observing everything around me.

I think soon I'm going to have to start seeing people, I mean, people I know, spending time with people. Just introduce them slowly back into my life. ;)

Oh, and I haven't cried once today. It's almost 5:30 and I haven't cried once. It's amazing. Damn near unheard of these days.